Thursday, August 30, 2007

Renaissance Fairs... Slated to Get WAY More Fabulous

From my libelous remarks regarding the nubile and no-doubt-to-one-day-be-knighted Sir Daniel you might come to the conclusion that I might have a homophobic streak. I assure you nothing could be further from the truth. The planet and its many human societies are far better off with gays around than without them. Having lived around my city's fashionable gay village for years there is no question their diversity adds value, property and otherwise. A few most excellent friends have long ago proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are in fact far better off being gay then anything else. I fully endorse their lamentable quest for equality and it is in that spirit of equality that I mock them with all the puerile, public school humour I possess. Once you come to love and respect gay people and their culture, you also come to realise that they can be pretty hilarious. Perhaps this is because like most confident and enlightened groups they seem to have little difficulty in laughing at themselves. Please note that my feelings only extend to homosexual men, I still maintain that lesbians are formed from vermin and witchcraft. Bisexuals are simply needy, end of story.
My views are certainly not enlightened. In fact you might say that I'm downright medieval.
A historian has discovered that same-sex civil unions occurred in Europe over 600 years ago. They were legally binding, officially recognized, and provided property rights and protections. The historian doesn't go so far as to say that these were gay-only affairs, but if two men wanted to live together in 'brotherhood' then the law gave them an avenue - really though if it looketh like a duck and floateth like duck... My point is ducks are gay, there is virtually no difference between a waddle and a sashay.
Oh how far our modern western civilization has fallen! Canada has inched along only recently and America? Ass-backwards on this subject and losing ground. Still it makes for juicy print.
Senator (R) Larry Craig of Idaho (huh?) plead guilty for sexually soliciting an undercover police officer in an airport men's washroom. Classy! His hidden homosexuality was apparently a poorly kept secret as his hometown newspaper investigated the matter and had enough ammo to expose him. Once his conviction hit the light of day the Senator hotly denied both his faggotry and culpability, stating that he plead guilty just to pay the fine and make the case go away.
Hmm... A funny thing and you can take this from me; when it comes time to plead guilty or innocent in a court case you have already sworn an oath to tell the truth. Admitting to a crime that you did not commit before a judge is perjury. I wonder if anyone is going to bother pointing that out?
Probably not his peers, Republicans have no problem with liars these days, you just can't get caught being gay. You know, I really feel sorry for these older Republican politicians. In the span of a decade they had the rug pulled out from under them. Up until the Reagan years they were all about small government, big business, and strong military. All of the faith-based issues like abortion and where people should be putting their dicks have railroaded them and you can watch guys like Presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani stumble and fumble. They built a career taking the moderate route on these issues in order to woo the center but now they're forced to flip-flop in order to maintain the holy-roller base that Carl Rove mobilized. Thanks a lot, Turd Blossom! That's why these old G.O.P.ers in Washington hated the guy. He turned them into dinosaurs, he took the party that once belonged to rich people and handed it over to the working class religious nuts preparing for The Rapture.
Out of this transition a really sad hypocrisy is born. Ass-Cowboys like Larry Craig or Mark Foley or the good pastor and Presidential advisor Ted Haggard have to choose between dream careers and their heart's desire. It's only natural that they delude themselves into thinking they can have both and wind up disgraced in the process.
This is the result of a dysfunctional democracy, which must always reflect the Will Of The People or else you get legal chimera like the same-sex union/marriage issue. The majority of citizens don't want Constitutional amendments in this regard because society in its wisdom has realized that a portion of their number is gay, has always been gay, and is not going away. If your laws don't reflect that then you are living in a domestic policy dream-world. The final result of putting ideology before reality is there will always be people who both achieve public office AND are gayer than a pink cowboy hat. They will have to hide it, they will get caught, and it will reflect poorly on the party.
The Republicans are getting almost continuously burned these days by the unrealistic sex laws they are trying to champion. That's what's great about democracy; since it's all based on votes you ultimately get the government you deserve.
UPDATE: I am compelled to add this, it's the transcript of the police interview after the good senator was busted. It's beyond awkward but the officers disappointment is almost heartwrenching

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Nobody likes a snitch... Except that gay-assed Harry Potter

Seriously, I came up with the title first and then found this picture on google images afterwards. Yeah, that's Daniel Radcliffe's twelve year old buttocks performing in the erotic play Equus.


Anyway the snitches I'm talking about are of course the rats, the stoolies, the whistle blowers, those smarmy people of good conscience who point out wrong doing when they see it rather then get in on the action. They think they're so much better than me with their morals and lack of DUI arrests.

What these ethically bloated Boy Scouts don't understand is that this is the Bush era. This is the time of the 3 C's: Corruption, Cronyism, and Kick-Backs. Fuck I messed that up! It's because I'm typing this part right where Daniel's ass is and I can't turn away. Man that guy's stringy poos must be thinner than my pinkie finger.

If you are stupid enough to report waste and graft during Iraq Reconstruction then your ass might very well be locked up and you would be subjected to harsh interrogation for three months! That and other travesties of justice are detailed in the above article. It's torture-light being used as punishment and it staggers the mind.

The point of reconstruction is to bilk the good American people out of their tax money and funnel it to big corporations in the form of no-bid contracts. These companies earn this money not by completing projects or providing services but by giving out regular donations to the G.O.P. and hiring a legion of lobbyists. These lobbyists, mostly composed of former congressmen and executives, reward politicians for creating law and policy that benefit said corporations, things like taxation and environmental law and oh yeah, starting wars. If you could form your diarrhea into an infinity symbol you might achieve similar, quantum physics-like effects in your own home.

Matt Taibbi penned a great article on the subject and if you like ribald political commentary I recommend reading any of his stuff that you can find on the Rolling Stone website or elsewhere. I had to highlight the web page to read it but I can understand why the magazine put grey text on a black background, to woo that vital emo demographic away from their goth poetry sites.

Ashlee Simpson
you plastic hoedown slut.
Why does Fall Out Boy love you
and not me?
Black mascara stains my
Hello Kitty bedspread.

The Raq... I'm going to bring this up alot around here...

This disastrous war is great entertainment for those of us who are not involved, have no stake in it, and really just don't give a damn what happens to both of these crazy countries anymore. After giving this a lot of thought I'm now for America staying in Iraq in hopes they are bled to the bone of their wealth and treasure. Think about it, if this quagmire helps facilitate a national collapse as Afghanistan did for the Soviets then the U.S. might not pursue aggressive foreign policy again in our lifetime. Sure Iraq is like a lamb to the slaughter but face facts, they live on top of oil so they were pretty well fucked from the get-go.

Bush wants more money to fight it, only 50 billion this time. This is in addition to a pending supplemental bill for nearly 150 billion to fight the dreaded War on Terrah on top of their annual defense budget of nearly half a trillion bloody dollars. All of that money and they are still going to lose, lose, lose.

I propose that Canada erects a one hundred foot tall golden statue of former Prime Minister Jean Chretien and we must make pilgrimage to it for the purpose of worship and the consumption of poutine at least once in our lifetimes to honour his keeping our ass out of this explosively formed clownshow. Whether you liked this guy or not he's a star for this alone.

As for Iraq itself it's business as usual. Shiite vs. Shiite this time as 50 people are killed during a religious festival in a Madhi vs. Badr showdown.

The refugee situation is now officially classified as an 'Insane Nightmare' as over 2 million Iraqis have fled their homes, leaving only the gun-totting, god-fearing, crazy-man insurgent fodder to represent the nation. The meek shall inherit the earth? I don't think so.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A whiff of things to come... Now with less rancid olive oil!

Truthfully this is my second bloggish type endeavor. My first was on a good friend's personal and most excellent site, particularly the message board. I began an Ongoing World Events Thread and after over fifty pages of commentary plus other submissions on various topics decided to strike out on my own.

Here's the home page...

Here's the last page of the World Events thread...

Essentially that is what will go up here. I also have a dream, I don't mind telling you, of starting a hard rock band that must be named Slut-Fucker (tm) but having no musical ability, instruments, recording contract, original music or mattress-laden van I require some additional assistance in that regard. Just throwing it out there, I'll keep you abreast as things develop. First must come the logo for where will lucrative T-shirt sales derive without some crazy metal-as-fuck logo that will make the ladies quiver in anticipation.

I'm growing my hair long so that shows you I'm super serious about this Slut-Fucker project.

My very first post... So supple and smooth... Let me show it to you

Welcome to My Time, though if you are alive while reading this then by all means it is your time too. I see you're using some of it by performing a spot of light reading. Commendable friend, commendable. Your myriad reasons for doing so all would sound good to me, I am after all the accepting type. Perhaps you're bored at work or seeking someone of similar interests, a MBF looking for a SWM for some BDSM and some CAC (cheese and crackers - no one ever is looking for that in those ads, not ever, not once.)

Then again you could be working for some black-ops digital spying agency on the look out for such pithy phrases as "suitcase nuke the parliament" or maybe you heard that I sell white women out of cargo holds of my tramp steamer kept conveniently in international waters so the bitches in Ottawa can't get their cut. If you are in the later category then I regret to inform you that I'm out of stock at the moment but you've made the right choice and should stick with that thought. After all, if you don't own at least one white chick then you cannot rightly claim you own a harem, you are in fact merely in possession of a gaggle of coloured girls that you have sex with on occasion. Not bad at all but I'm just saying...

It is said that we are cursed living in interesting times but I don't believe in the evil eye, or god, or political correctness, or even listening when other people speak. Why? Because this is My Time, a place where all the things in life I find worth the energy of examination will go. There will be world events and politics, but also trash tabloid fare, video game entertainment impressions, book reports, anecdotes, pictures and profanity, lots and lots of seething, vile, pointless profanity.

As I said earlier however this is your time too. Make comments, bring up content and voice that all-important opinion of your own. Let us engage in the internet hedonism that exemplifies this tired and cynical new century. So wank away, noble peers, and together will shall drink deep the mental sputum that erupts, cascading ropy dollops to splash upon our memory...

Too much, that last one? I'm trying to make a first impression.