Cure Light Wounds spells will feel a little colder after this day...

I remember being twelve years old when a couple of older kids invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons one afternoon. I created an ineffectual elf that was both overwhelmed and awed by the other, more experienced and more powerful player. This fighter, fresh from the mind of a smug fourteen year old, rode into the dungeon on a war horse and was equipped with weapons and armour that far outstripped mine. I was assaulted, taunted, robbed and left unconscious in a room with only 1 Hit Point - a mercy bequeathed upon me presumably so that I might be used as fodder again on the next rainy day.

That was enough however, I was hooked for life.

I borrowed the two flimsy soft cover books that comprised the game at that time and over the course of a week I transcribed all the rules and tables into a series of blank notebooks. I knew that I would never get the money to buy these tomes from my parents, who as expected did not understand or condone the past-time for the duration of my teenage years. I then went on to make my first dungeon; an ogre-infested subterranean fortification that housed The Father Diamond, a jewel of obvious great wealth. The next time the three of us got together for a game I offered to run it, to play Dungeon Master.

Throughout my school years I played this most unpopular of games and from it stemmed parallel interests in reading, writing, ancient history, archaeology, mythology, religion and eventually politics. The game was a gateway to other avenues of study and in learning about real world events and culture one’s game and characters became more authentic and believable.

Since then I’ve played Dungeons & Dragons or other types of role-playing games right up to this very day. The game I’m currently running has been the longest and most involving story I’ve ever done with a great group of players. The game changes dramatically when being played by adults. When young the game is merely another form of competition but as you get older it mellows into a cooperative experience. Despite HD television and photo-realistic video games Dungeons & Dragons remains an excellent way to spend some time with friends. It provides a unique communal experience; an exercise of the brain, an expansion of the imagination, and the simple comfort of a kitchen table or fireside gathering. For all the good times had on Thursday nights lo’ these past years, we owe one man in particular a debt of gratitude.

E. Gary Gygax; The Original Dungeon Master, dies at 69.

The talented artists of the Penny Arcade comic strip drew up a fitting tribute to mark the passing of The Great Gygax. Do hit the hypertext and read Tycho’s impression of the game and its infernal codexes. It is a far grander thing then anything I could hope to write!

To celebrate the life of this most unique and nerdilicious of men all Wizards of 17th level or higher are invited to my house where we shall break our Staves of Power in unison. The simultaneous Retributive Strike will be seen for miles around and is sure to be perceptible in both the Astral and Ethereal Planes! In truth however I believe Gary’s death to be a ruse, a hoax to prevent the zero levellers from disbelieveing. No doubt the very creator of the Tomb of Horrors has long had his phylactery prepared and will rise as a Lich upon the next full moon. His reign of terror on low level players will continue throughout time, as it should. New “4th Edition” rulebooks will be out in June and of course I will not be able to resist buying them. When I eventually make a new game with the upcoming rules you can be sure that ‘Gygax’ will make an appearance as some godly game-smith, a trickster deity of the bizarrely beautiful.

To those who have never played D&D I was trying to be funny in the above paragraph, please disregard.

X-Boxes turning a profit for the first time ever…

In other gaming news it seems that the X-Box has become profitable for the first time in seven years. The original X-box cost the company over four billion dollars but they knew a price would have to be paid in order to shoulder their way into the market. While they have stopped losing money per unit this doesn’t take into account the 1.5 billion dollar extended warranty program they had to enact in order to prevent a recall on their chronically overheating machines. Time will tell if the X-Box 360 will actually turn out to be profitable in the end. This years gaming line-up seems not as strong as 2007 and with Blu-Ray being the dominant technology the 360 will no longer be on the leading edge. Some video game enthusiast sites are already predicting that we will see yet another Microsoft games console before the decade is up. I could live with that.

What this article doesn’t comment on is that smashing psychotic hobos with lead pipes and sledgehammers is a ton of fun. I’m replaying Condemned: Criminal Origins on my X-Box in hot anticipation of the sequel coming out next week. I was worried that the second chapter would not be as good as the original sleeper hit until I recently downloaded the game trailer. It shows a pig-faced man getting bludgeoned with a prosthetic arm that ends in a hook! Oh joy, high art indeed! This corrupter of society is coming to both the PS3 and the 360 so stay tuned!

The Douchebag and the Prince

Here’s some news that’s only slightly more fitting for a supposedly grown man to chew over. Prince Harry, third in line to the throne of England - Long Be His Reign - has set his sights on a military career and wanted as little special treatment as possible in this regard, including being posted with his unit in sunny Afghanistan. In a surprising turn of character the British press agreed to an embargo on the topic thus keeping Harry’s whereabouts a secret. A couple small European news outlets reported it but nobody managed to notice, not until conservative Internet giant douchebag Matt Drudge let his 20 some-odd million readers in on the operation. Hours later the British government announced that Harry would be returning immediately, his safety no longer assured.

Okay, first of all, Matt Drudge, in case you haven’t already sussed out my opinion of you, you are in fact a giant fucking douchebag. Actually you know what? Douchebag isn’t a sufficient descriptor because ‘bag’ denotes a limited or set amount of material within, and your douchbaggery is more like a constant stream, so I’ll amend my characterisation of your personality and from this point on refer to you as a fucking douchenozzle.

What kind of a douchenozzle messes with a young guy’s career and endangers his life just to get some hits on their already popular website? As a news item this piece is worthless. We the reader simply go: “Oh really,” before moving on with a click of the mouse. It doesn’t educate us in any way. In order to give us less than a second of amusement you ruin a kid’s deployment. Fuck you and your bullshit “Support Our Troops” flag-waving.

The only people who really care that Harry is in Afghanistan are his family and assholes who think killing the prince would score points for their side, so nice going, you intelligence gathering service for terrorists! As I see it the only good to come out of this is that now the empire of Great Britain hates your douche-pumping guts. You can’t go there anymore which is too bad, because the mushy peas are bloody excellent. I dearly hope that young Prince Harry uses the power and influence of the monarchy to exact some righteous vengeance on your pillow-biting ass.

Since this story has been reported you have no comment to make which I see as typical, you cowardly, douchenozzley worm.

Victor of Iraqi Freedom Arrives to Fanfare and Applause

Mahmoud Ahmedinejad visited Iraq in full state panoply, publicly announcing his trip and travelling outside the fortified Green Zone. President Bush, eat your heart out! While there Mahmoud got kissy-face with the leaders of the hour - as is the fashion - and reminded Americans that they are not liked.

Iran and Iraq do about eight billion a year in trade and as time goes by this is sure to increase what with war-torn Iraq needing, well everything. As it does so too will Iranian influence, importing cultures and values through mercantilism is as old as time. Strip searching and home invasions, not so much. Poor, poor America! There’s a number that’s making the rounds this week, it’s a big number, a number that describes Operation Iraqi Freedom’s price tag: THREE TRILLION DOLLARS. But who needs affordable health care, right?

Did Chavez get caught with his hands in the terrorist cookie jar?

A Columbian operation to kill a Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia leader holed up in Equator got Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez hopping mad! Chavez has vocally supported the leftist F.A.R.C. in the past but oh-ho what do we have here? Evidence on the rebel leader’s laptop indicates that Chavez supported them to the tune of 300 million dollars. Sloppy Hugo, very sloppy. Most regional powers fund rebel organisations whose ideology line up with their own but no one wants to be caught doing it. Destabilization and attrition policies are a dirty part of power government. This and the bellicosity Chavez is displaying, not to mention the tank positions on the border, comes off like an admission of guilt. Let’s hope Hugo’s bruised ego doesn’t plunge Venezuela into a war, they would be fighting American proxies and playing into their hands. I liked the old Chavez better. The Chavez that emerged after his failed referendum is a bit too much of a blowhard. I want less Soviet jet dick-waving, more red-hot and spicy Chavizmo!

Mini-Put Sweeps Russian Elections!

Who knew? Putin’s appointed protégé pwned the Presidential elections and he did it without a fourteen month primary! Putin himself will claim the Prime Minister’s seat and continue ruling Russia in all but name. That these two would come into conflict, be it foreign or domestic policy is highly unlikely.

So what’s better or worse in the long run? I can’t tell anymore. I made a point not to follow the American Primaries anymore than reading front page headlines because I knew that fatigue would set in. This shit seems endless at this point, it's nothing but non-scandal after non-scandal. Obama and Clinton are still fighting, meanwhile John McCain can now start actually campaigning for the Presidency instead of campaigning for the chance to campaign for the Presidency. That one sentence sums up the past few months in American politics and it STILL made me weary to type it. Does all this mean the people of America will have a better government? Remember this is the same mechanism that picked You Know Who! What if the Democratic nomination is ultimately decided by the super-delegates? What of democracy then? Our U.S. brother and sisters will merely be voting for the person that was picked for them to vote for. I mean who fucking cares at that point?

Russia took care of their freedoms in their typical cold-blooded way but now everyone is on the same page, lock-stepping in unity and they can continue with the business of returning to the Superpower Superfriends Club. Meanwhile the U.S. dithers, drunk on their own pageantry. I wish I could act all smug and superior (as we Canadians love to do) but our issues are just as bad only the opposite.

Our government has election-aversion, at least that pussy Dion does. Who cares if you're unelectable, show us some bloody principles and stand up for what you believe! That's the Catch 22 of this: Dion is unelectable because he lacks all fibre of leadership. In order to look like a leader you have to stand up in opposition and show that you're not afraid to call an election you might not win. That's takes balls, leadership balls, and people will see it. But if you don't take that first step and instead let Harper intimidate you then the cycle continues and you become more and more unelectable. The first step in not being a loser is not being afraid to lose. Meh! Feh! Sneh! What more could you expect from the guy who initially placed third at the Liberal caucus.

It's remarkable that prayer and fear adopt such similar poses...

As the year draws to an end I find myself thinking on the commitments I’ve made in my life. Can I maintain the ties that currently bind and do I have the strength to make more? We all desire things we do not have or think we might enjoy a different set of circumstances but without commitment they will never come to pass. I wanted to improve my writing and so I created this journal but even this simple pleasure demands more time than I have to give most weeks. The family I started with my beautiful wife appears some days to be a monstrous commitment; a thing with an appetite so great that by nightfall I am stripped of all my energy and patience only to be left with doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I worry that I take more than I give when it comes to the friends I have committed to and in doing so I take them for granted.

I am not quite forty but deep in my being I feel that my life is at its half-way point. My capacity to change seems diminished these years. In my wild youth change seemed to occur by choice but now change seems to take place due to circumstance and this unfortunately is a far less empowering notion. A commitment to change is invigorating because therein lay the seeds to self-improvement but a mandate to change underscores the ineffectual aspects of your existence, over time it can leave one feeling windblown and on dark days even victimized.

Such goth-ridden ennui!!! Surely this level of introspection will hasten the decay of my still delectable nards! Perhaps I need to commit to a change in perception? A re-invention of one’s world-view has always entailed a change of identity in my life. I am not the boy I use to be but what manner of man I am? Not young, not old, but already carrying baggage from both destinations, I am marooned in a duality of video games and RRSP contributions.

As I’m writing a co-worker just came by my desk and inquired as to where he might purchase a pipe to smoke his marijuana. What an excellent non-sequitur! I told him that bongs might be a nice way to inhale - or so I’ve heard, of course. He said a pipe is required, something he can stow in his car. I think it’s a sad story because if you’re going to smoke a bit of dope then you should certainly be doing it with a loved one nearby to laugh at - or so I’ve heard. Of course it’s or so I’ve heard. It’s always or so I’ve heard…

It’s such a silly society that has been constructed for us to inherit. Is that a benefit of aging? Shall we too get the chance to vote in stupid laws of our own? The Pope, Hilary Clinton, and a few other idiots have been publicly speaking out against video games. Why must every generation have its officially sanctioned tool of the devil? Does no one ever look back and say ‘geez that fad didn’t amount to much after all.’ Where the hell were these alarmists when Heavy Metal came on the scene, or the hippie rock of the sixties, or Elvis, or the god-damned Jitterbug? Remember when dancing the Jitterbug was going to turn you into a sex fiend? My grandfather and I had a good laugh when he reminisced over that one.

It’s always something but what I don’t get is that someone like the conspicuously awkward Hilary was no doubt doing her best trying to fit in while grooving to the then much-reviled Beatles and now she’s liable to become the President? Alice Cooper was and still is one of the most insane, blood-spitting rock stars out there but now he’s a semi-pro golfer who runs a quaint looking pub. Anyone familiar with Gene Simmon’s rise to reality TV stardom can plainly see that the tongue-lashing front-runner of KISS is nothing if not a doting parent and wise old jew these days. If you and Hilary Clinton loved kissing the sky with Lucy Diamond or whatever the fuck you kids did for kicks back then, why would you shit on its modern contemporaries today? You turned out just fine, didn’t you? Or is there something you’re not telling us?

Hey have I stumbled on the cure for my blues? Should I commit to nothing less than changing the world in order to give my life new meaning? It’s a thought that fills me with a sense of exhilaration, delusional though it may be. Will you, gentle reader, entrust me with this awesome and surely corrupting responsibility?

Don’t answer. This plane, I have landed it. It was a round trip, a full circle. Thank you for flying. Here’s some of the news I came across this week.

I’m no girl but this face looks like it could freeze a vagina!

President Vladimir Putin has been fairly elected as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year and why not? He’s been everywhere and rooting for him has been a guilty pleasure of mine these past twelve moons. Putin’s graceful slide into the uncontested rulership of Russia proves once again that effectiveness trumps morality on the world stage every time. Nuclear frikken poison people! Tom Clancy didn’t have the balls to invent it in one of his books and we were too afraid to even imagine such deviltry until someone critical of Putin died from polonium exposure. Another female dissenter was shot dead riding an elevator. Who on earth could shoot a woman? It’s horrible, it’s monstrous, it’s cold-blooded in the extreme… I imagine it takes some true grit however. It all sounds very Russian, don’t you think? Anyway I found this to be an interesting read and the pictures are great too.

Sure he’s a cold fish but he swims in a lake of money!

Thanks to Marc for this supplementary Putin article that follows the fortune he allegedly amassed. You can’t begrudge a Soviet-styled power broker a forty billion dollar pay-off now and then, can you? Most would but I got a thing for leaders who fashion themselves after James Bond villians.

I hate to say I told you so but really I never hate to say I told you so…

Surprise! The United States is deeply concerned over the prospect of failure in Afghanistan. They can’t bring in any more troops and so naturally their NATO allies are following suite. You see, the world at large would just love to transform the bandit-spawning narco-economy into something less scary but without the required (here comes that word again) COMMITMENT it’s just so much ass-wind standing in for foreign policy. We white people, it’s true we’re the most awesome people of all but I have to tell you that we can be pretty damn arrogant most times. There are in total around 40,000 troops in Afghanistan and somehow these übermensch were going to change the destiny of twenty-seven million people, a great many of them for which the words soldier and citizen are interchangeable because they have been at war with others and themselves for decades! It was, still is, and the history books will condemn it as pure delusion. One line says it all. Our Canadian government and its armed forces leaders need to read this one line and let it serve as a wake-up call. This comes from the U.S. Admiral and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs:

“In Afghanistan, we do what we can. In Iraq, we do what we must.”

I would not play basketball with that kind of partner never mind go to war! The Canadian soldiers who have died and their grieving families deserve way better than to have done so in a second-rate misadventure, a campaign of lesser priority.

In my mind it is an unforgivable sin of leadership to entrust your military with a mission they cannot complete. Military engagements are won by making a wish list of everything your forces could possibly need and then doubling it. The commitment to this plan of action was far too small and in doing so blood and treasure was pointlessly wasted, to say nothing of our reputation as an effective and serious nation. It’s simple really: If you don’t commit fully, then you just don’t go, you find an alternative course of action and you take military occupation off the table. Our government paid but a pittance of Afghanistan’s true price in order to cynically curry economic favour with an ally whose pretence for warfare is even faultier than our own. In this our government has failed us, utterly.

The C.I.A. is doing nothing wrong but they don’t want you to see it anyway…

This issue is making news but stuff like this has happened too many times lately for me to think anything will come of it. I’ll throw it up for posterity and continuity however. So the C.I.A. took videotapes of them torturing Al-Qaeda members but then they destroyed them. I don’t think there is any reasonable doubt that they were destroyed because the tapes captured some truly monstrous behaviour. Some say the White House said ‘don’t destroy the tapes’ and others say the opposite. Lawyers are counselling all concerned parties as to their responsibilities and culpability, which really says all you need to know about how morally ambivalent the U.S. Government has become. Look for even a shadow of strong leadership in this issue, you will not find it.

Adorable sounding physics lessons can be found on YouTube.

I’m going to download these physics presentations from M.I.T. professor Walter Lewin over the holidays. They sound really interesting!

The Reuters Pictures of the Year 2007

Reuters pictures of the year are always neat. The one above is from the collection and is of a Canadian soldier seeking cover just second after his location was shelled. A thousand words indeed.

The men who read these books are now in my belly and boy did they give me the meat sweats!

I haven’t abandoned the news or current events entirely, they have merely had their priorities adjusted while I’m reading Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy. I’m nearly finished The Golden Compass and it has really drawn me in. I think Mr. Pullman has created one of the most exciting and believable child heroes in fantasy fiction and yes, I completely agree with you in that there are too many of them as it is. Lyra is a bit different however; she’s not the usual, cerebral weenie who finds her confidence and courage at the end of the book. Rather she’s something of a self-assured unholy terror right from the get-go. Lyra’s true strengths lie in her being an uber-kid; her vast quantities of determination and deceitfulness are the only tools she needs to overcome a variety of legitimately discouraging obstacles… Well that and a spot of future telling… Oh yeah, and one of the most insane combination bodyguard/all-terrain vehicle a ten year old could ever hope for, but still I think most of the credit belongs to her.

Nearly twenty years ago fantasy and science fiction were stitched together into horrid, clunky abominations. The Shadowrun line of books and games we’re forerunners of this Frankenstein-style genre-splicing. They thought it hip to have elves sporting assault rifles and I detested their products roundly for it and their other short-cuts to creativity. Writers have since had time to hone their surgical techniques and now we are treated to something far more subtle and interesting. The Golden Compass bends time in its own alternate version of earth. Oxford remains firmly in the 1600’s, London’s moved ahead a bit to the 1800’s, and the North Pole seems to have been catapulted into the 1940’s. It somehow works even if the end result is a Texan cowboy and a polar bear sharing a hot air balloon ride.

The reviews of the just-released movie are not altogether kind and at the time of this writing it’s getting a 45% on Rotten Tomatoes. Such is the peril of making a fantasy book into a film; the medium has a lot going for it when it’s kept firmly in the mind of the reader. Seeing a cowboy and a polar bear in a hot air balloon probably looks preposterous but having a writer set it up for you as a climax to an excellent adventure scene is an easier sell. When you read a book you don’t have it entirely play out in your mind like a movie; it’s a shadow version of sight, there and not, the visual intermixed with the sentence structure, all of it incomplete and yet somehow cohesive in the end. Fantasy movie makers must be careful to not make things too blatant. As well time plays a heavy roll. A book that takes you two or three weeks to read gives you ample time to digest the wacky and wild, there’s a rest period between meals. In a two or three hour movie it can result in way too much at once. It has the same effect as the Mandarin Buffet has on me; too much cheap food under one heat lamp, all of the combined smells turn me off the concept of lunch completely.

It has however been an interesting news cycle this past week so for the sake of posterity I’ll throw up some links.

Russian President puts the cool back in Cold War...

There goes our man Vladimir! One day he’s scaring the hell out of all Europe and on the next he sweeps his party into a Parliamentary election victory with an impressive 64%. Plus have you seen him without a shirt on? Weapon of Mass Seduction more like it! With the Conventional Armed Forces in Europe Treaty now serving as Putin’s toilet paper the Russians are free to move tanks, jets, and helicopters wherever they please throughout their western regions. I hope the European Union enjoyed their time negotiating with Russia as some kind of spent drunken has-been because those days are over.

Hugo Chavez can't get ahead in politics. Get it? It's a PUN!

Chavismo looks to be in need of Viagra. I just had to post his picture. Look to that massive, swollen, torrentially perspiring melon of his and those teeny, tiny books! He looks like Ogre King of Hobbiton! He must eat one-hundred head of steer every fortnight! The little folk who serve him must have to butter-skate on his skillet before they fry him up a thousand eggs!

This is Hugo’s first defeat since assuming power, though he remains President until 2013. He was looking to fast-forward his socialist Bolivarian revolution by giving himself the power to unilaterally alter Venezuela’s constitution and remain in power indefinitely. It proved to be too much to ask despite the fact that he is wholly beloved by his people. The vote was close and chances are he will take another run at these changes again.

This, the Russian election, and the one in Palestine last year show us the full range of democracy, how one government system can result in such different outcomes. Power to the People sometimes has pretty crazy results. Russia loves the strength and identity Putin has restored in their hearts and for this he seems poised to become all but a Unitary Executive. It’s what they have demanded with their votes so you can’t rightly disqualify the notion even if it does collide with our version of government. When the Palestinians voted for Hamas the U.S. and Israel howled in disbelief, thinking that the servile Fatah party was the only viable choice. They never stopped to think what would motivate the Palestinians to pick what they have labelled a terrorist organization. They don’t get that things are just that bad for these people, that a free choice for anger and outrage is better than accepting the yoke of servitude in some sham of an election.

Hugo Chavez has given his people more education and empowerment than any Venezuelan leader before him. I find it both reassuring and ironic that in doing so his own people have come to realise the difference between the struggle and the figurehead. Chavez will be gone one day, one way or another. Their work will go on.

If Iraq sucked any more their women would be prostitutes... Oh wait, that's happening too...

Iraq has been rated the third most corrupt nation on earth, sitting below only Ethiopia and Myanmar, both of which I don’t think are even human countries but rather some kind of emerging simian stone-age empire. I kid, I kid! Just because a nation doesn’t have a space program doesn’t mean they’re destined to make my acid wash jeans for pennies a day in a sweat shop. I know these things but I can never seem to remember them. By the way acid wash is coming back and it’s coming back big because it’s awesome. Fuck you!

So you have to pay several hundred dollars to become a police officer in Baghdad. I’m trying to think of a better way, a more nefarious way, to cause a society to collapse in on its own moral crapulence but I think this is the clear winner. What do you think these new police officers are going to do on the first day of work? If you said: “Why Dyno, they are going to re-coup their losses of course,” then I would say: “Why do you bother pointing out the obvious to me? Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?” And then you would say: “Let’s not fight. I have this dime bag and it’s never going to snort itself.” And then I would say: “How can I not love you? Here, let me unzip that fly.”

Afghanistan: Big in the Bandit Business since 982!

What I find interesting in this article about the Afghan road between Kandahar and Kabul is that if you picked up a newspaper five hundred years ago you would probably read a very similar article. There are bandits on this ancient trade route still, and they will rob and even mutilate you as they did back then. What I don’t like about the article is how they spin the repaving of the road itself as a humanitarian effort. Read any military history book, building roads is not a P.R. move. You can spend a quarter million dollars on asphalt or you can spend a full million in repairs to your battered motorcade. That the Afghans get to use the road when American Humvees aren’t convoying on it is purely incidental. It’s like when a fly crawls over your shit. Letting the fly do it doesn’t make me a fly-lover. “Go ahead, fly! I’m done drawing with it, it’s all yours.”

It's kind of stony but I would still eleven herbs and spice the fuck out that shit yo!

Its Dinosaur With The Skin Still On Time kids! They found a Hadrosaur with skin and muscle still attached and in good form in a bizarrely fossilized state! You get to actually see the cool dinosaur scales. Already this has given them corrections on what the Hadrosaur actually looked like, stuff the bones didn’t tell, like for example it has a meatier backside for the T-Rex’s to dine upon. It sucks that dinosaur’s became extinct because you know that they would be delicious on the barbecue.

But-but-but the nuclear bombs and the hating our freedom and the terrible terror!

I will surely return to this topic because the blow-back is even now huge and will not go away any time soon. The latest National Intelligence Estimate on Iran’s nuclear weapons capability gave the Persian regional power a clean bill of health. They don’t think there is a program and they don’t think there has been one in years. This report was given to Bush in August but that didn’t stop him from war-mongering about nuclear holocausts and World War III. Already there has been downplaying and spin control. It is now clearly evident that the response Bush was trying to muster against Iran is in no way justifiable given the actual level of threat. Carrier Battle Groups are stationed off the Gulf of Hormuz, bombing campaigns are ready to go, and for what? No weapons, no weapon programs, nothing even close for years. It’s the lies of Iraq all over again.

A pathological presidential liar, or an idiot-in-chief. It is the nightmare scenario of political science fiction...

Keith Olbermann is my favourite pretend-older brother because he’s been calling Bush on his shit and taking him out behind the woodshed for years now. His comments on this latest issue are hellacious even by his own excoriating standards. I have never heard anyone speak about a world leader in these terms in my life! You can watch the show or read the transcript. It is a scorcher!

I'm the fat man at the Buffet Table of World Events...

The previous rant was supposed to be my usual attempt to segue into a variety of somewhat relevant news items but in the end I didn’t bother to land the plane. I’m rather surprised that it wound up being one of my longest posts and that I had twenty times as much to say on the issue than President Bush said himself. At the end of it I was all spent and satisfied but then remembered I had a dozen news links that I originally intended to put in. I’m like that guy who buys four pornos anticipating a musky night of sexual self-exploration only to blow myself empty watching the previews. I see that porno guy a lot, every time I go to the porno shop in fact. (Editors note: He’s looking into a mirror.)

So I’m going to throw up some more links and I have to tell you it’s been a very eventful week in the world. Babies have been born, autumnal corn is all but harvested, somewhere the gentle rain soothes the brow of a weary man who has learned to love himself and in doing so, love the world… But I know you check up on me for all the bat-shit insane crazy stuff, to remind you that we are going straight to hell. So let’s go!

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/19/world/asia/19pakistan.html?th&emc=th

Okay this is fucking horrific. Massive twin explosions turned Benazir Bhutto’s triumphant return to Pakistan after eight years of exile into a tragedy. The explosions spared the obviously-targeted former Prime Minister but killed a whopping 134 people at the time of writing and wounded around 400! If I had known that Pakistanis were so bloody hardcore I would have made way less fun of them back in public school. Do you think Pakistan’s covert agency (the I.S.I.) was behind it? Bhutto’s husband seems to think so. It seems a by-gone conclusion that Bhutto will sweep the upcoming elections and do everything in her power to turn Pakistan once again into a democracy. President - slash - General Pervez Musharraf stands to lose a lot of power and authority if the country changes direction so the motive is certainly there. All in all this was a truly epic event. Check the slideshow in the article, the pictures are something else.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/17/AR2007101700967.html?wpisrc=newsletter

The Turkish government authorized its military to move into Iraq and deal with Kurdish separatists who have been targeting their soldiers and civilians. Really they had no choice; something strong had to be done in order to save face. Consider that last summer Israel had just two soldiers kidnapped and they replied by killing around 1,000 Lebanese. The Kurds stoned one of their own kind - a young girl no less - just for getting engaged to a Sunni, and how did the Sunnis respond? They killed around 500 people with truck bombs just for disrespecting them like that. Turkey has lost something like 31 people in the last two weeks including 13 servicemen. They have to come back hard or look weak. The Turks have crossed into northern Iraq many times in the past but never while the U.S. was minding the store. The military’s authorization will last for a full year so they might take their time on enacting their payback.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/washington/14weapons.html?th&emc=th

It appears that Israel’s target in the Syrian strike was indeed a nuclear plant being constructed. I’ve heard from other sources that the Syrians have abandoned the construction site and that North Korean consultants were killed in the attack. Contrary to the Iran situation I can’t blame Israel for striking a clandestine nuclear project that the I.A.E.A. knew nothing about.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/world/asia/14china.html?th&emc=th

In environmental news China has a lake that’s green and gross. There was a guy saying “Excuse me, but our lakes are becoming green and gross,” so they tossed him in jail. This is why I think China’s new rise to power is a paper dragon. The people who are passionate about sustainability and preventing long-term disaster are silenced so in the end every possible bad thing that can happen to them, will happen to them.

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/7203633/the_long_emergency

Here’s what might happen to us though. This is a projection of what our lives might be reduced to with the disappearance of cheap oil. It’s very compelling but extremely bleak as well. Black gold hit 90 dollars a barrel today. I’ve already started wringing my hair out for fuel.

http://washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071017/FOREIGN/110170057/1003

This is just a quick update on the Iraq/Blackwater incident. C.E.O. Erik Price said that he will not allow his mercenaries to be tried in Iraqi courts. Remember that Iraq is supposed to be a sovereign nation and this fucker is nothing but a greasy businessman. He says that Iraq lacks the capability to provide fair courts but I think that might have something to do with the fact that Blackwater has ensured Iraq remain lawless by constantly barreling down the streets shooting and killing civilians. It’s sickening how these war-profiteers never realise that they are part of the problem.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/15/AR2007101500841.html

Similar in tone to the soldiers writing about the Iraq War, here is another one penned by a large number of officers. Again compare their thoughts with those of General Petraeus.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/17/world/middleeast/17iran.html?th&emc=th

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/17/AR2007101702241.html?wpisrc=newsletter

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/18/AR2007101802456.html?wpisrc=newsletter

Finally I have a trio of articles on Russian President Vladimir Putin. This guy, he’s fucking golden. Sure he’s a shadowy, former K.G.B. autocratic with blood on his hands but you can’t help but admire how FUCKING EFFECTIVE he is. This man hasn’t made a misstep in years. His detractors are winding up dead all over the world, one of them by nuclear-frikken-poison! He seized Russia’s oil interests from the oligarchs at the perfect time to fill the nation’s coffers. He bitch slaps Condoleeza Rice anytime he feels like it because the poor half-orc just can’t keep up – the last time was to derail U.S. backed missile defense programs in Europe. Now he’s siding with Iran and is telling the U.S. they should back off. Best of all however is he adopted Franklin Delano Roosevelt of all people as an ideological role model. Brilliant! Beloved President Roosevelt served beyond his two terms you see, and America at the time endorsed it. Putin looks to do the same thing. Talk is that he will become Prime Minister and control the country from there, sighting his love for an American hero while doing it. I’m getting both misty and moist! Bush was so wrong on this guy. Way back he claimed to “look him in the eye” and see his soul and all that bullshit. Now he’s claiming that democracy might not be in “Russian’s D.N.A.” which not only sounds ridiculous but is contrary to his previous talking point that people the world over crave democracy and that America is the tube of Pringles that is sure to satisfy.