Cure Light Wounds spells will feel a little colder after this day...

I remember being twelve years old when a couple of older kids invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons one afternoon. I created an ineffectual elf that was both overwhelmed and awed by the other, more experienced and more powerful player. This fighter, fresh from the mind of a smug fourteen year old, rode into the dungeon on a war horse and was equipped with weapons and armour that far outstripped mine. I was assaulted, taunted, robbed and left unconscious in a room with only 1 Hit Point - a mercy bequeathed upon me presumably so that I might be used as fodder again on the next rainy day.

That was enough however, I was hooked for life.

I borrowed the two flimsy soft cover books that comprised the game at that time and over the course of a week I transcribed all the rules and tables into a series of blank notebooks. I knew that I would never get the money to buy these tomes from my parents, who as expected did not understand or condone the past-time for the duration of my teenage years. I then went on to make my first dungeon; an ogre-infested subterranean fortification that housed The Father Diamond, a jewel of obvious great wealth. The next time the three of us got together for a game I offered to run it, to play Dungeon Master.

Throughout my school years I played this most unpopular of games and from it stemmed parallel interests in reading, writing, ancient history, archaeology, mythology, religion and eventually politics. The game was a gateway to other avenues of study and in learning about real world events and culture one’s game and characters became more authentic and believable.

Since then I’ve played Dungeons & Dragons or other types of role-playing games right up to this very day. The game I’m currently running has been the longest and most involving story I’ve ever done with a great group of players. The game changes dramatically when being played by adults. When young the game is merely another form of competition but as you get older it mellows into a cooperative experience. Despite HD television and photo-realistic video games Dungeons & Dragons remains an excellent way to spend some time with friends. It provides a unique communal experience; an exercise of the brain, an expansion of the imagination, and the simple comfort of a kitchen table or fireside gathering. For all the good times had on Thursday nights lo’ these past years, we owe one man in particular a debt of gratitude.

E. Gary Gygax; The Original Dungeon Master, dies at 69.

The talented artists of the Penny Arcade comic strip drew up a fitting tribute to mark the passing of The Great Gygax. Do hit the hypertext and read Tycho’s impression of the game and its infernal codexes. It is a far grander thing then anything I could hope to write!

To celebrate the life of this most unique and nerdilicious of men all Wizards of 17th level or higher are invited to my house where we shall break our Staves of Power in unison. The simultaneous Retributive Strike will be seen for miles around and is sure to be perceptible in both the Astral and Ethereal Planes! In truth however I believe Gary’s death to be a ruse, a hoax to prevent the zero levellers from disbelieveing. No doubt the very creator of the Tomb of Horrors has long had his phylactery prepared and will rise as a Lich upon the next full moon. His reign of terror on low level players will continue throughout time, as it should. New “4th Edition” rulebooks will be out in June and of course I will not be able to resist buying them. When I eventually make a new game with the upcoming rules you can be sure that ‘Gygax’ will make an appearance as some godly game-smith, a trickster deity of the bizarrely beautiful.

To those who have never played D&D I was trying to be funny in the above paragraph, please disregard.

X-Boxes turning a profit for the first time ever…

In other gaming news it seems that the X-Box has become profitable for the first time in seven years. The original X-box cost the company over four billion dollars but they knew a price would have to be paid in order to shoulder their way into the market. While they have stopped losing money per unit this doesn’t take into account the 1.5 billion dollar extended warranty program they had to enact in order to prevent a recall on their chronically overheating machines. Time will tell if the X-Box 360 will actually turn out to be profitable in the end. This years gaming line-up seems not as strong as 2007 and with Blu-Ray being the dominant technology the 360 will no longer be on the leading edge. Some video game enthusiast sites are already predicting that we will see yet another Microsoft games console before the decade is up. I could live with that.

What this article doesn’t comment on is that smashing psychotic hobos with lead pipes and sledgehammers is a ton of fun. I’m replaying Condemned: Criminal Origins on my X-Box in hot anticipation of the sequel coming out next week. I was worried that the second chapter would not be as good as the original sleeper hit until I recently downloaded the game trailer. It shows a pig-faced man getting bludgeoned with a prosthetic arm that ends in a hook! Oh joy, high art indeed! This corrupter of society is coming to both the PS3 and the 360 so stay tuned!

The Douchebag and the Prince

Here’s some news that’s only slightly more fitting for a supposedly grown man to chew over. Prince Harry, third in line to the throne of England - Long Be His Reign - has set his sights on a military career and wanted as little special treatment as possible in this regard, including being posted with his unit in sunny Afghanistan. In a surprising turn of character the British press agreed to an embargo on the topic thus keeping Harry’s whereabouts a secret. A couple small European news outlets reported it but nobody managed to notice, not until conservative Internet giant douchebag Matt Drudge let his 20 some-odd million readers in on the operation. Hours later the British government announced that Harry would be returning immediately, his safety no longer assured.

Okay, first of all, Matt Drudge, in case you haven’t already sussed out my opinion of you, you are in fact a giant fucking douchebag. Actually you know what? Douchebag isn’t a sufficient descriptor because ‘bag’ denotes a limited or set amount of material within, and your douchbaggery is more like a constant stream, so I’ll amend my characterisation of your personality and from this point on refer to you as a fucking douchenozzle.

What kind of a douchenozzle messes with a young guy’s career and endangers his life just to get some hits on their already popular website? As a news item this piece is worthless. We the reader simply go: “Oh really,” before moving on with a click of the mouse. It doesn’t educate us in any way. In order to give us less than a second of amusement you ruin a kid’s deployment. Fuck you and your bullshit “Support Our Troops” flag-waving.

The only people who really care that Harry is in Afghanistan are his family and assholes who think killing the prince would score points for their side, so nice going, you intelligence gathering service for terrorists! As I see it the only good to come out of this is that now the empire of Great Britain hates your douche-pumping guts. You can’t go there anymore which is too bad, because the mushy peas are bloody excellent. I dearly hope that young Prince Harry uses the power and influence of the monarchy to exact some righteous vengeance on your pillow-biting ass.

Since this story has been reported you have no comment to make which I see as typical, you cowardly, douchenozzley worm.

Victor of Iraqi Freedom Arrives to Fanfare and Applause

Mahmoud Ahmedinejad visited Iraq in full state panoply, publicly announcing his trip and travelling outside the fortified Green Zone. President Bush, eat your heart out! While there Mahmoud got kissy-face with the leaders of the hour - as is the fashion - and reminded Americans that they are not liked.

Iran and Iraq do about eight billion a year in trade and as time goes by this is sure to increase what with war-torn Iraq needing, well everything. As it does so too will Iranian influence, importing cultures and values through mercantilism is as old as time. Strip searching and home invasions, not so much. Poor, poor America! There’s a number that’s making the rounds this week, it’s a big number, a number that describes Operation Iraqi Freedom’s price tag: THREE TRILLION DOLLARS. But who needs affordable health care, right?

Did Chavez get caught with his hands in the terrorist cookie jar?

A Columbian operation to kill a Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia leader holed up in Equator got Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez hopping mad! Chavez has vocally supported the leftist F.A.R.C. in the past but oh-ho what do we have here? Evidence on the rebel leader’s laptop indicates that Chavez supported them to the tune of 300 million dollars. Sloppy Hugo, very sloppy. Most regional powers fund rebel organisations whose ideology line up with their own but no one wants to be caught doing it. Destabilization and attrition policies are a dirty part of power government. This and the bellicosity Chavez is displaying, not to mention the tank positions on the border, comes off like an admission of guilt. Let’s hope Hugo’s bruised ego doesn’t plunge Venezuela into a war, they would be fighting American proxies and playing into their hands. I liked the old Chavez better. The Chavez that emerged after his failed referendum is a bit too much of a blowhard. I want less Soviet jet dick-waving, more red-hot and spicy Chavizmo!

Mini-Put Sweeps Russian Elections!

Who knew? Putin’s appointed protégé pwned the Presidential elections and he did it without a fourteen month primary! Putin himself will claim the Prime Minister’s seat and continue ruling Russia in all but name. That these two would come into conflict, be it foreign or domestic policy is highly unlikely.

So what’s better or worse in the long run? I can’t tell anymore. I made a point not to follow the American Primaries anymore than reading front page headlines because I knew that fatigue would set in. This shit seems endless at this point, it's nothing but non-scandal after non-scandal. Obama and Clinton are still fighting, meanwhile John McCain can now start actually campaigning for the Presidency instead of campaigning for the chance to campaign for the Presidency. That one sentence sums up the past few months in American politics and it STILL made me weary to type it. Does all this mean the people of America will have a better government? Remember this is the same mechanism that picked You Know Who! What if the Democratic nomination is ultimately decided by the super-delegates? What of democracy then? Our U.S. brother and sisters will merely be voting for the person that was picked for them to vote for. I mean who fucking cares at that point?

Russia took care of their freedoms in their typical cold-blooded way but now everyone is on the same page, lock-stepping in unity and they can continue with the business of returning to the Superpower Superfriends Club. Meanwhile the U.S. dithers, drunk on their own pageantry. I wish I could act all smug and superior (as we Canadians love to do) but our issues are just as bad only the opposite.

Our government has election-aversion, at least that pussy Dion does. Who cares if you're unelectable, show us some bloody principles and stand up for what you believe! That's the Catch 22 of this: Dion is unelectable because he lacks all fibre of leadership. In order to look like a leader you have to stand up in opposition and show that you're not afraid to call an election you might not win. That's takes balls, leadership balls, and people will see it. But if you don't take that first step and instead let Harper intimidate you then the cycle continues and you become more and more unelectable. The first step in not being a loser is not being afraid to lose. Meh! Feh! Sneh! What more could you expect from the guy who initially placed third at the Liberal caucus.

What if you could live in a world where Darth Vader was YOUR father... So awesome...

If your consciousness could enter limitless realms of virtual reality that were immersive in every way would you be willing to give up your physical form for long periods of time and perhaps even indefinitely? This idea might chill some. I think that not only is our technology moving towards making this possible but our society is developing to accept this fate on a subconscious level. Ascending into a spirit world is a global mythological theme from the dawn of history but I wonder if might wind up being a self-fulfilled prophecy.

You see something with your eyes, it gets logged as a memory, and in the doing certain parts of your brain are activated. When you remember the thing you have seen, when you elect to see it again within your mind, the same parts of your brain spark to life. Scientists have performed experiments and have seen this occur. The brain doesn’t care about the temporal aspect of the viewing; visualization is as good as a stored memory for eliciting an emotion. This may be salient in re-prioritizing the value we place on real life and a simulated version. If our brains are fine with either and our consciousness resides within, who are we to get picky?

Matter, or at least our concept of it, is for all intents and purposes an illusion. It’s solidity and stability; its permanence can be questioned. Atoms in part or wholesale wink in and out of our existence and this has given rise to quantum physics and the theories of alternate universes, that atoms may spend times in places other than our own reality. If other universes are apart of nature then there should be no stigma in us attempting to create our own, we ape nature continuously and to the benefit of all.

Human corporeal existence is a wearying exercise in compromise. I cannot spend an hour on a beach in Tahiti after work because of natural laws such as space and time as well as man-made hindrances such as finances and responsibility. What we call life is in fact a prison planet of boundaries and limitations that we have accepted utterly. The great promise of virtual reality is that we may escape these chains. Glorious, gorgeous Tahiti might be constructed down to the last grain of sand and we might get there after work in the same way we send an email. A simulated existence has the dual benefit of not only being exactly the same as the real world but also being something far more fantastical. Rather than beaming to Tahiti we might wish to fly there instead so that we may admire the ocean view and cloud formations along the way. A life lived in virtual reality is one that might see more, do more, experience more, and therefore live more.

A human in motion through our world consumes in great quantities and expels waste in equal fashion. We burn our surroundings steadily, much less of course when we sleep or are inanimate. Our requirements for public and private space become much reduced when our consciousness is shunted to another realm. A civilization that spends significant time within a virtual reality will use resources more efficiently and thus become more sustainable and long-lasting than what we are currently. Our society might start small in this regard and still reap significant benefit. Many of us work on computers in an office. If the office was in a virtual building you could still attend meetings, have access to the Internet, and have discussions with co-workers but you would not burn gas, use paper, or even spend a premium on fast food lunches.

Modern society has shifted its focus dramatically in the past couple decades. The infrastructure of our cities is mostly built, we don’t seek to expand as we use to, rather now we concentrate and vertically integrate. In our increasingly dense communities our focus shifts to entertainment, to diversion, and to solitary study. With the necessities of life not requiring all of our day’s attention we give ourselves more and more time to indulge our wishes and whims. This trend increases with every generation and it seems to me the modern way of living prepares us for a smooth transition to a virtual existence.

Like every human on the planet I dearly hope that our species might live on for the rest of time but it won’t unless we do some truly miraculous things. Living on a planet with minimal environmental impact is just the tip of the iceberg. One day our sun will alter in intensity and even the smallest change might make this world inhospitable. It will eventually burn out and essentially destroy the solar system itself. Long before such inevitability we might be victim to some catastrophic event such as a massive asteroid. At one point or another we will need to leave this place if the human race is to have a billions long year history. We may never achieve faster than light travel and so we’ll have to get to other stars the old fashioned way; taking hundreds and even thousands of years. Virtual reality becomes an absolute necessity at this point. We must lay dormant whole civilizations, revive them only when absolutely necessary, and in those long stretches in-between give them a life to live.

Video games are the tip of the virtual reality spear. Humans in vast numbers enjoy looking at a simulated reality of one kind or another to the point where it is now an industry exchanging billions of dollars yearly. As I type this I am doing so on a virtual piece of paper and you are reading it in similar fashion. Watching television, whether it’s a movie taking place in Japan or a hockey game is another virtual reality stepping stone. The Internet and its explosive usage is a self-evident testament to our desire for virtual libraries, shopping malls, and arenas of competition. Fake or representative versions of real things are useful and we all learn to appreciate them because of the convenience they bring. The more we use these fake things and take them for granted the more real they become. This doesn’t cheapen reality; it expands our definition of it. We are all training for the kind of future I’m describing whether we know it or not! Don’t worry, it’s a good thing. This is a serendipitous development of events. We need this. The first heaven we visit will be on-line and it will be of our own creation.

A good time to start thinking about buying a Playstation 3…

Warner opted to put their high-definition movies exclusively on Blu-Ray disc and now that most media publishers have weighed in Sony’s proprietary format has the clear advantage. Other companies like Universal, who at first stated they will produce only HD DVD product, have backtracked, stating that they too will provide Blu-Ray material. Industry experts are calling Sony the winner and that HD DVD will eventually go the way of Beta though in truth even the unsuccessful storage medium take a while to finally die. If you are going to buy a new high-definition disc player for movies however, take a tip and go Blu-Ray. No point in having to buy something else a few years from now.

Boat fly-bys are SO not as cool as plane fly-bys…

I wanted to touch on the DEF CON 4 episode of the month. Small Iranian Revolutionary Guard speed boats got nice and close to a few U.S. battleships travelling through international waters off the Straits of Hormuz. It was a very tense situation because military analysts have predicted that if Iran was going to take down the big battleships they would do so with explosive laden small boats that could get in quickly and avoid being targeted by the big guns. It is said the Iranians issued threats over the radio but this has since been questioned.

I watched the video footage and there is no question that it was pure and blatant provocation. I think those U.S. boats should be commended for their restraint and nerve because any captain would be well within their rights to torch those boats in order to safeguard their crew mates. It was however a win-win for Iran's forces. They got to witness U.S. naval readiness firsthand and that is probably some A+ intelligence. If the U.S. did strike an Iranian boat they could play the victim and enjoy the negative U.S. press that would surely come. It was an asshole move but an effective strategy.

Everyone loves to read a great speech, right? RIGHT?!?

I’m trying not to follow the American leadership caucuses because this is journalism at its lowest, drama for drama’s sake and the tiring punditry over every teeny tiny thing that comes up. The news agencies have no filter, it’s like they have to fill all twenty-four hours of the day with this stuff and quite frankly, there is nowhere near enough real news material.

This link however is Barack Obama’s concession speech in New Hampshire, where he lost by a low margin to Hilary Clinton after beating her in Iowa. You can really see how he has studied the words of Martin Luther King and is evoking the style to great effect. This is damn fine piece of writing and oratory. I hope he wins!

Darth Vader gets a makeover!

My picture today is from this art exhibit. There are some very neat versions of the iconic, glossy black villain. In retrospect Vader should have had multiple helmets to convey his mood. One for when he was going to terrorize an Ewok village, one for when he was going to torture a princess, one to impress the Emperor, and maybe one for when he just felt like spending a night alone, by himself, some quality ‘me’ time. If that particular helmet had curlers that would fuck us all up. When a guy who can crush your throat with his mind sports a set of curlers men like me get scared as hell! There is just no beating a guy that tough and crazy. Darth Vader in curlers would make Han Solo curl up and cry. Darth Vader in curlers wearing a Wookie pimp coat may be my Halloween costume next year.

Hulk Smash!!! Oh wait, car not paid for, insurance go up? Hulk put down, please excuse Hulk...

Like all great swear words the age-old term asshole has more than one grammatical usage. Using asshole as an adjective is a household favourite and speaking from experience I can tell you it will alter the dynamic of any encounter. The actual meaning of the word in this context is something that has never been demanded of me. You call someone an asshole and you are not likely to be questioned on whether your choice of wordage is apt, rather you’re going to take shit for having the temerity to point out the obvious. This is telling. Random House explains that an asshole in the adjective sense is a person who is stupid, mean, and contemptible. Perfect! I mean it just fits, doesn’t it? As soon as I looked it up it felt like I was slipping into my favourite pair of underwear and I didn’t even need to adjust my balls because they dropped into completely snug positioning on their own. It’s also the reason why you never get called on the veracity of vilifying someone as an asshole, it always fits snugly too. We’ve all been stupid, mean, and contemptible in our lives and chances are you’ve just come back from a meeting with some asshole or are reading this before you engage in yet another merry, assholic foray.

Our capacity to become assholes stems from the fact that we can become thoughtless and inconsiderate, usually when we are tired and cranky. I would argue that many of our flaws stem from our energy levels and therefore the inherit limits of our biology. Of course I’m talking about normal, thoughtful, considerate people who slide into assholism after a bad day or series of unfortunate events. There are those among us who are both stupid and mean by disposition but you can identify and thus avoid them based on their proficiency with a banjo. The third kind of asshole is the conscious one and I’ll admit to having worn this ass-hat on occasion. Sometimes people require that special kind of motivation that is fuelled by shame and sometimes people need to be confronted with their fear of suddenly finding themselves in a volatile situation. Being an asshole in public creates a ripple effect; it re-aligns those caught in the ass-water wake. One time long ago at a party a buddy of mine fell for this blonde but didn’t know how to approach her. I stepped up and started acting like an asshole. She became offended of course but within ten minutes she and my friend were chatting about the incident and they wound up dating all summer. See? I use my powers for good when they're not already sold to highest bidder!

This George W. Bush, I’ve had my eye on him and I’m sorry to report that this guy is a total fucking asshole. What he did this time was basically warn the world at large that if we want to avoid World War III then we should prevent Iran from obtaining the knowledge to make nuclear weapons.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/17/washington/17cnd-prexy.html?_r=3&hp=&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1192680918-ICentOgbRzijzoDGGZGR4A&oref=slogin

What’s left to ponder is how he came to this assholic state? Is he tired and cranky and prone to slips in the autumn of his second term because of how unpopular he’s become? I don’t think so. When you stand before the press to take questions you need to bring out your A Game, you make sure you’re rested and focused because any gaffs are going to make front page news (case in point.) Did George Herbert Walker Bush and Barbara sire a little asshole? Again I don’t think so. Dubya makes friends easily and has a history of disarming his critics. I don’t think you can become the President of the United States as a full-blown asshole, that’s the kind of guy Canadians tend to elect. In America a sunny and charismatic attitude is not just necessary but it’s really all you need. That leaves my third option; this guy chooses to be an asshole. Now incidentally the term dickhead is described as a person who is foolish, inept, and again contemptible. That’s Bush II to a fucking tee! He’s a bone-deep dickhead who chooses to be an asshole when he thinks it suits him. That’s were it gets funny, because he’s stupid he often miscalculates so he winds up being an asshole for no good reason.

I’m going to bang out some quick facts and then we’ll get back to this asshole. First is that Iran has no nuclear weapons, not one. Second is the I.A.E.A., who monitors Iran’s nuclear operations on behalf of the U.N., have found no evidence of a weapons program. Third is that as a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, Iran is legally entitled to engage in civilian nuclear power programs. Fourth is that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinajad, for all his assholic and bellicose behaviour, has no control over Iran’s military and does not possess the authority to call in a military strike, nuclear or otherwise. His is a civilian position.

http://www.salon.com/opinion/conason/2007/10/19/bush_iran/

Every sane person out there is calling for dialogue, for talks and for diplomacy. If you’re going to engage North Korea and if you’re going to call Pakistan an ally then there is no reason why Iran - warts and all - cannot receive overtures of statesmanship. Oh but wait, there is one reason; the States is being lead by an asshole. The facts mean nothing to this man and he is once again invoking the spectre of weapons that don’t exist and pointing to a powerless boogieman to justify a future military campaign.

You can bandy about that World War III wise-crack any way you like but in the end it still comes out as a political piece of shit. Bush apologists are claiming that George is being merely prophetic; that Israel won’t allow Iran to go nuclear. Let us remember that Israel’s military capabilities, both nuclear and conventional, owe their life to the U.S. Do you not think that if you help a country develop weapons then you are obligated to use your leverage to ensure they are only used as a deterrent, for defensive purposes only? We see that even ethically challenged governments like China pull back on the reigns of their subordinate North Korea when things get a little too heated. If Israel is indeed going to bomb Iran then what Bush is actually saying is that they are willing to let their dog off the leash and they won’t be held responsible. Only a true asshole would do that, an asshole with a pit bull, and honestly the pit bull is the Official Canine of the Asshole so I am batting a thousand with my allegories on this one.

Another talking point is that a nuclear Iran will destabilize the region and THAT is what will cause World War III… somehow. This is a conniving notion. Listen, if war breaks out in the Middle East over this issue then only Israel will be the one to start it. You think Turkey or Saudi Arabia thinks this is worth fighting over? If Iran retaliates against Israel then America is jumping right the fuck in. Once Iran (and more particularly its precious oil infrastructure) starts catching fire then Russia and China will quickly move into a protective posture around their energy ally. That is what would classify the campaign as World War III. If you run the country that is most likely to expand a regional conflict into World War III and in a press conference you warn people about the potential for the End of the Trilogy if things don’t go your way, then what the fuck else is that other than a veiled threat? And who makes veiled threats? That’s right, assholes and my dad. Hey! My dad is no asshole but its true his warnings did sound like veiled threats. He was right though, they didn’t like it once they made him angry. Nobody likes it when he gets angry.

It’s evident that President Bush is ideologically corrupt and intellectually bereft when he shoots off his mouth like this. What’s sad is that political experts are saying that nothing can really be done, that both America and the world have to wait out the term before there is a change in policy. What's worse is that Congress and the Senate cannot stop an order to bomb even if they wanted to. Until then we just have to hope that this asshole doesn’t start another war in the next year. To me that is a definition of insanity itself.

We are all making the new Middle East...

The Middle East is on fire these days or at least it seems to be from the perspective of a westerner living in the cool waters of perpetual peace. It has of course been that way for all of my lifetime but it seems as if many strategies are finally coming to fruition or collapse. In this sandy region the proxies of the world plot and scheme their way into superior position while at the same time placing themselves above the indigenous races by virtue of the painful reality of attrition. Generations of children have now been raised in a reality of broken down neighbourhoods, dead and injured relations, uncertainty, bitterness, and the religious extremism that is sure to follow.

World War I created a whole Lost Generation in just four short years of mechanized barbarity. We see short glimpses of what the multiple lost generations in the Middle East are capable of; lives devoted to guerrilla warfare, suicide bombers, brutal ceremonies such as stoning the unclean and even government sanctioned beheading, to say nothing of common-place torture with various power tools. The shape of the Middle East in our future is uncertain but what seems clear enough is that no matter who wins, these everyday people have lost. They’ve been through too much, they’ve suffered for too long, and I doubt they will properly heal enough to help facilitate lasting peace. Is that part of the master plan? Is bombing, and policing, and sanctioning, and isolating in the name of peace really a ruse to grind a people down so they can never rise up to fight you fairly and openly should they bristle against your injustice?

One never knows…

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/washington/14weapons.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&th&emc=th

It seems that what Israel bombed in Syria was a nuclear facility under construction. Apparently it was being built with North Korean know-how and the strike echoes the Osirak bombing of 1991. Look back over just this past year and count the little skirmishes between the regional would-be power of Iran and western trident of the U.S. the U.K. and Israel. The Shahab missile tests, British troops seized in open water, Iranian officials detained in Iraq, carrier battle groups in the Gulf of Hormuz – all of it pushing and prodding and the presentation of resolve.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/world/middleeast/14mideast.html?th&emc=th

This is just another upping of the ante, Israel wants Iran to take notice and come to understand the threat. Instead Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei has declared that all Middle Eastern countries should boycott an upcoming American sponsored peace process for Palestine.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/13/AR2007101301277.html?wpisrc=newsletter

What’s funny is that despite government rhetoric and position the Industrial Military Complex is uncaring of the politics of these lesser civilian forces. Iran requires F-14 parts for their air force and one way or another Americans are sending them the hardware they need!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/13/AR2007101301427.html?wpisrc=newsletter

Elsewhere it seems Turkey is prepared to toss aside their relationship with America by invading Kurdish Iraq in search of separatists who have killed some 30 soldiers in recent times. They cite that the U.S. should have made more efforts to pacify the Kurdish attackers so that they wouldn’t have to. We could be seeing a new war front boil over.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/15/opinion/15mon1.html?th&emc=th

This whole situation is made more complicated by the fact that the Kurdish Authority, heedless of Iraq’s oil sharing stalls, has gone ahead and made regional agreements that may or may not be legally binding. Conceivably Turkish soldiers could be invading a place where American oil concerns are operating. It’s a potential Bush nightmare.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/14/AR2007101401245.html?wpisrc=newsletter

Al-Qaeda in Iraq is however reported to be crippled, down to only 30% to 40% capacity. I report this in fairness of seeing a problem from all sides but I think there is much salt to be taken with this. First of all, Al-Qaeda is constantly being reported as a minor player in Iraq. Second, the Sunnis tolerated the extremists when there were Shiites to intimidate and now that the country is mostly segregated they have started putting down the rabid dogs lest they get bitten. Third, have we ever heard of Al-Qaeda getting spanked but then coming back better than ever? Oh yeah! Afghanistan. Al-Qaeda isn’t a military force to be vanquished but the result of a discontented population, in this case the whole of the aforementioned Middle East.

Iran... Just Flash Points Away From Freedom...

This folksy looking map is currently the Islamic Republic of Iran. It is the 18th largest country in the world and is home to some seventy million people. Humans have been living in this region of the world for an exceedingly long span of centuries and the real estate has been counted in numerous empires including the Achaemenid, the Parthian, the Seleucid, the Sassanid, the Safavid and last but not least the original flavoured Persian Empire. You want empires? Oi! Iran has all the best empires. If you're really serious about this empire business then you should go - tell them Sal sent you.

I know very little about Iranian people and the Iranian way of life but I'm going to go out on a limb and make a sweeping generalization: These Iranians, let me tell you they just HATE to have their country reduced to a quasi-military map filled with "possible flash points" and big-assed nuclear symbols. I bet we can all figure out just what the fuck a flash point is, right? Why the hell would a newspaper feel compelled to create a graphic explaining how one country or coalition of countries is going to fricassee another country? Are we really learning anything with this image or is the point for us to unlearn what that map truly represents? (That would be seventy million people who no doubt share our love of clean water and electricity.)

The shit-talk against Iran is running high my friends and like excrement it flows from areas of high concentration to low, moving around the world like the migratory poo-geese of old. It starts of course with everyones' favorite fistula of foreign policy; Bush! Iran is to blame for Iraq's ongoing woes and they must be contained. Dick Cheney is smiling because he knows exactly what what means - cue the map! (You can find a big version in the following link.)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/09/16/wiran116.xml

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/16/washington/16diplo.html?ex=1347595200&en=d1a221bd37230957&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

Next it was France beating the war drum. (Yeah I know, the joke writes itself but I'm shooting for originality here.) The French Foreign Minister was talking tough, no doubt echoing the sentiments of France's new, neo-con friendly President Nicholas Sarkozy. This is a good thing, the chicken hawks are saying, because what with America's credibility in the toilet the world needs another country to make accusations and veiled threats.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article2473281.ece

China and Russia have both stepped up and said enough with the dick-swinging already. When the hell did you think that those countries would be the rational voice of reason? Funny thing is there's an answer to that rhetorical sounding question: Ever since they all got in bed together with global trade agreements and sweet energy deals. Tee Hee Hee!!!

http://uk.reuters.com/article/oilRpt/idUKL1877362220070918

I cannot see Iran being invaded a la Iraq but a bombing campaign is something I can't easily dismiss. I think the world at large is completely fed up with pre-emptive war but if Bush and Cheney unilaterally call in strikes I don't know what the rest of the world would do about it. As Israel's attack on Lebanon last summer clearly indicated, right and wrong are meaningless when you have enough power to ignore dissenters in the U.N. I think most world leaders don't see Iran in the hyperbolic colours that the U.S. or Israel paint the Persians with, but instead are hoping to lie low and wait out the Presidency before engaging in some genuine diplomatic overtures. Of course in the meanwhile the U.N. Security Council will soon vote on whether stricter sanctions need to be laid on Iran. I think sanctions are vile but this post is running long enough as it is, I'll vent another time.

In most-likely related news Israel performed air strikes on what seems to be a Syrian reactor site over a week ago. There has been limited information released on the operation, apparently the strike was to destroy nuclear equipment delivered from North Korea. It is thought that the operation was also a dry-run to test new abilities should they be needed against Iran. All of this however is speculation.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/world/story/0,,2170188,00.html

Oil... It's not just for lubing up infants anymore!

This fine work of art, entitled 'Crude Oil' was brushed by graffiti maestro extraordinaire Bansky and I thought it would add a splash of decorum to this backed-up septic tank of a blog.

Oil is a big subject, probably the biggest on earth these days and I tend to read up on it whenever something filters down. Business, foreign policy, and the environment all have their little heads wrapped around the subject and nothing aside small arms fire to the skull possesses the power to alter human reality as does this non-renewable resource. If you haven't seen the documentary 'Crude Awakening' then I highly recommend it along with 'The End of Suburbia.'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6981375.stm

Iran is going ahead with their plan to trade oil in non-U.S. currency - in the above article's case, the yen. Now this is really interesting stuff because nothing is going to earn you twelve hard inches of uncircumcised freedom and democracy in your puckered ass more than fucking with the petrodollar.

I'll just briefly go over this for those who don't know. In order to buy oil you have to have significant reserves of currency in your foreign exchange to cover all transactions. No trader is willing to accept unstable currencies for products like oil because the amounts are so large that any fluctuation can result in millions of dollars in loss. Reserve Currencies are preferred, they being tender that is stable and represents rich countries with minimal chance of fluctuation. There is a transaction cost with every purchase and so in order to save money and stabilize their oil expenditures most countries stockpile large quantities of U.S. dollars.

For decades the U.S. dollar has been the currency of choice and the Americans leveraged this to the fullest extent, usually by running large trade deficits with countries using U.S. dollars to buy oil. It's a sweet arrangement because if decreasing the deficit would result in a decrease in the value of the U.S. dollar then the trade partner would take an equal hit what with all the currency they are holding. No thanks then, you just take your time with that.

Saddam Hussein had the bright idea to start trading Iraq oil in euros back in 2000. This new arrangement, or bourse in oil lingo, didn't get very far off the ground before they were invaded. Coincidence? Of course it is, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. What's the Number One benchmark for the paralyzed Iraqi government to meet if they are to prove themselves credible in the eyes of the Bush Administration? The creation of the all-important oil sharing laws, the drilling companies need legal protection before they go in and start pumping. "To the Victor Goes the Spoils" and if you're clever you may notice that 'spoils' has the word 'oils' in it, so with that the prosecution rests.

If Iran starts with this monkey-business you can bet that Venezuela won't be far behind, those two are now like BFF's. This might result in a massive devaluation of U.S. currency and a renewed interest in the trade deficits. Its' artificially high value lasts only so long as country's hold on to the money. Big trouble for America? No one can say for sure. Petrodollar warfare is a theory at best, the economy is so big and so complex that no one can say with certainty what even a massive change will do. The market does correct to a degree, governments do step in with massive infusions of liquid to stabilize their country's business concerns, and new opportunities do arise from the ashes of economic collapse.

Still, oil prices has everyone feeling a bit dodgy. OPEC will increase production by half a million barrels a day in hopes of having oil ceiling out at $80.00 a barrel. It's getting so high that countries are liable to collapse on account of not being able to afford it. Doesn't make for as many repeat customers, I guess. This article is worth opening just to see the shit-eating grin on the man in the picture. THAT'S an oil grin my friends, no mistaking it. It has the same flesh-eating creepiness of the pedo-smile but it's far more effusive.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/12/business/worldbusiness/12opec.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin

UPDATE: Oh no! The Iraqi oil law negociations have all but collapsed themselves! The Kurds look more than ready to go it alone and the Sunnis may be holding out on agreeing to anything in order to prevent Prime Minister Maliki from looking in any way competent.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/13/world/middleeast/13baghdad.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&th&emc=th

AND in very much related news, oil goes up while the U.S. dollar goes down. Man I should have waited a day before writing this one. Black gold and Petraeus are the items of the week.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/13/business/13econ.html?th&emc=th

This is happening in Our Time... Remember these days...

If you can't see the picture very well then perhaps you're lucky. This cartoon, drawn with all the brutish acumen of a klansmen komic depicts Iran as a sewer and the Iranians as roaches scurrying out. This is the kind of evil I thought might be expunged from the west with literacy programs and the enforcement of incest laws but sadly the seething idiots at The Columbus Dispatch in Ohio have proven me wrong. Nice one Buckeyes!

.

Let's be clear, Iran's theocracy is a sinister ruling class. Iranian people have to be careful or else their government might pick them up, rough them up and do worse if they don't smarten up. The United States has proven themselves morally superior by doing the exact same things only they make sure to do them to foreigners in far-away lands like Cuba, who they're supposed to hate too. This is the morality of the ambulance chaser; the slimy lawyer looking for the legal loophole.

This cartoon illustrates - yet again - America's propensity to lump the rank and file citizenry of a given country with its ruling class. They do this all the time and I guess it just makes it easier to comprehend for some. They did it with Castro, with Chavez, and they certainly did it with Saddam Hussein. He was a bad man, not bad enough for the U.S. to get in bed with back in the 80's when he was willing to slug it out with Iran, but bad enough to smash a country of nearly twenty-seven million people. By ineffectively lording over that conquered land there have been hundreds of thousands of deaths and at last count a couple million people have been reduced to refugee status.

No man is worth all that pain, suffering, and misery. Not ever.

The rhetoric against Iran is high and a bombing campaign is certainly feasible. Dick Cheney stood upon the deck of an aircraft carrier - one of four in the region - and made threats against Iran while only a hundred miles off the coast. That is an image that should never stand in place of foreign policy, not for a crazed African warlord high on cocaine and gunpowder, and certainly not for the Vice President of the United States of America. If Iran is bombed people will die, mostly the elderly and children as they are statistically the most prone to death by air warfare. More people will die then the aforementioned black-black snorting warlord could ever dream of in his wildest drug-fuelled psychotic rages. The question always remains 'for what?'

Ahmadinejad? The Ayatollah? Trust me, not a single bomb will fall on their heads. But who cares anyway, these Iranians, they're cockroaches after all. The Jews were thought of as rodent-kind long before the ovens were fired up. The dehumanization process has got be up and running in order for our collective apathy to kick in.

Here's a bigger version of the cartoon.

http://static.crooksandliars.com/2007/09/iran_dispatchsep42007.gif