The men who read these books are now in my belly and boy did they give me the meat sweats!

I haven’t abandoned the news or current events entirely, they have merely had their priorities adjusted while I’m reading Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy. I’m nearly finished The Golden Compass and it has really drawn me in. I think Mr. Pullman has created one of the most exciting and believable child heroes in fantasy fiction and yes, I completely agree with you in that there are too many of them as it is. Lyra is a bit different however; she’s not the usual, cerebral weenie who finds her confidence and courage at the end of the book. Rather she’s something of a self-assured unholy terror right from the get-go. Lyra’s true strengths lie in her being an uber-kid; her vast quantities of determination and deceitfulness are the only tools she needs to overcome a variety of legitimately discouraging obstacles… Well that and a spot of future telling… Oh yeah, and one of the most insane combination bodyguard/all-terrain vehicle a ten year old could ever hope for, but still I think most of the credit belongs to her.

Nearly twenty years ago fantasy and science fiction were stitched together into horrid, clunky abominations. The Shadowrun line of books and games we’re forerunners of this Frankenstein-style genre-splicing. They thought it hip to have elves sporting assault rifles and I detested their products roundly for it and their other short-cuts to creativity. Writers have since had time to hone their surgical techniques and now we are treated to something far more subtle and interesting. The Golden Compass bends time in its own alternate version of earth. Oxford remains firmly in the 1600’s, London’s moved ahead a bit to the 1800’s, and the North Pole seems to have been catapulted into the 1940’s. It somehow works even if the end result is a Texan cowboy and a polar bear sharing a hot air balloon ride.

The reviews of the just-released movie are not altogether kind and at the time of this writing it’s getting a 45% on Rotten Tomatoes. Such is the peril of making a fantasy book into a film; the medium has a lot going for it when it’s kept firmly in the mind of the reader. Seeing a cowboy and a polar bear in a hot air balloon probably looks preposterous but having a writer set it up for you as a climax to an excellent adventure scene is an easier sell. When you read a book you don’t have it entirely play out in your mind like a movie; it’s a shadow version of sight, there and not, the visual intermixed with the sentence structure, all of it incomplete and yet somehow cohesive in the end. Fantasy movie makers must be careful to not make things too blatant. As well time plays a heavy roll. A book that takes you two or three weeks to read gives you ample time to digest the wacky and wild, there’s a rest period between meals. In a two or three hour movie it can result in way too much at once. It has the same effect as the Mandarin Buffet has on me; too much cheap food under one heat lamp, all of the combined smells turn me off the concept of lunch completely.

It has however been an interesting news cycle this past week so for the sake of posterity I’ll throw up some links.

Russian President puts the cool back in Cold War...

There goes our man Vladimir! One day he’s scaring the hell out of all Europe and on the next he sweeps his party into a Parliamentary election victory with an impressive 64%. Plus have you seen him without a shirt on? Weapon of Mass Seduction more like it! With the Conventional Armed Forces in Europe Treaty now serving as Putin’s toilet paper the Russians are free to move tanks, jets, and helicopters wherever they please throughout their western regions. I hope the European Union enjoyed their time negotiating with Russia as some kind of spent drunken has-been because those days are over.

Hugo Chavez can't get ahead in politics. Get it? It's a PUN!

Chavismo looks to be in need of Viagra. I just had to post his picture. Look to that massive, swollen, torrentially perspiring melon of his and those teeny, tiny books! He looks like Ogre King of Hobbiton! He must eat one-hundred head of steer every fortnight! The little folk who serve him must have to butter-skate on his skillet before they fry him up a thousand eggs!

This is Hugo’s first defeat since assuming power, though he remains President until 2013. He was looking to fast-forward his socialist Bolivarian revolution by giving himself the power to unilaterally alter Venezuela’s constitution and remain in power indefinitely. It proved to be too much to ask despite the fact that he is wholly beloved by his people. The vote was close and chances are he will take another run at these changes again.

This, the Russian election, and the one in Palestine last year show us the full range of democracy, how one government system can result in such different outcomes. Power to the People sometimes has pretty crazy results. Russia loves the strength and identity Putin has restored in their hearts and for this he seems poised to become all but a Unitary Executive. It’s what they have demanded with their votes so you can’t rightly disqualify the notion even if it does collide with our version of government. When the Palestinians voted for Hamas the U.S. and Israel howled in disbelief, thinking that the servile Fatah party was the only viable choice. They never stopped to think what would motivate the Palestinians to pick what they have labelled a terrorist organization. They don’t get that things are just that bad for these people, that a free choice for anger and outrage is better than accepting the yoke of servitude in some sham of an election.

Hugo Chavez has given his people more education and empowerment than any Venezuelan leader before him. I find it both reassuring and ironic that in doing so his own people have come to realise the difference between the struggle and the figurehead. Chavez will be gone one day, one way or another. Their work will go on.

If Iraq sucked any more their women would be prostitutes... Oh wait, that's happening too...

Iraq has been rated the third most corrupt nation on earth, sitting below only Ethiopia and Myanmar, both of which I don’t think are even human countries but rather some kind of emerging simian stone-age empire. I kid, I kid! Just because a nation doesn’t have a space program doesn’t mean they’re destined to make my acid wash jeans for pennies a day in a sweat shop. I know these things but I can never seem to remember them. By the way acid wash is coming back and it’s coming back big because it’s awesome. Fuck you!

So you have to pay several hundred dollars to become a police officer in Baghdad. I’m trying to think of a better way, a more nefarious way, to cause a society to collapse in on its own moral crapulence but I think this is the clear winner. What do you think these new police officers are going to do on the first day of work? If you said: “Why Dyno, they are going to re-coup their losses of course,” then I would say: “Why do you bother pointing out the obvious to me? Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?” And then you would say: “Let’s not fight. I have this dime bag and it’s never going to snort itself.” And then I would say: “How can I not love you? Here, let me unzip that fly.”

Afghanistan: Big in the Bandit Business since 982!

What I find interesting in this article about the Afghan road between Kandahar and Kabul is that if you picked up a newspaper five hundred years ago you would probably read a very similar article. There are bandits on this ancient trade route still, and they will rob and even mutilate you as they did back then. What I don’t like about the article is how they spin the repaving of the road itself as a humanitarian effort. Read any military history book, building roads is not a P.R. move. You can spend a quarter million dollars on asphalt or you can spend a full million in repairs to your battered motorcade. That the Afghans get to use the road when American Humvees aren’t convoying on it is purely incidental. It’s like when a fly crawls over your shit. Letting the fly do it doesn’t make me a fly-lover. “Go ahead, fly! I’m done drawing with it, it’s all yours.”

It's kind of stony but I would still eleven herbs and spice the fuck out that shit yo!

Its Dinosaur With The Skin Still On Time kids! They found a Hadrosaur with skin and muscle still attached and in good form in a bizarrely fossilized state! You get to actually see the cool dinosaur scales. Already this has given them corrections on what the Hadrosaur actually looked like, stuff the bones didn’t tell, like for example it has a meatier backside for the T-Rex’s to dine upon. It sucks that dinosaur’s became extinct because you know that they would be delicious on the barbecue.

But-but-but the nuclear bombs and the hating our freedom and the terrible terror!

I will surely return to this topic because the blow-back is even now huge and will not go away any time soon. The latest National Intelligence Estimate on Iran’s nuclear weapons capability gave the Persian regional power a clean bill of health. They don’t think there is a program and they don’t think there has been one in years. This report was given to Bush in August but that didn’t stop him from war-mongering about nuclear holocausts and World War III. Already there has been downplaying and spin control. It is now clearly evident that the response Bush was trying to muster against Iran is in no way justifiable given the actual level of threat. Carrier Battle Groups are stationed off the Gulf of Hormuz, bombing campaigns are ready to go, and for what? No weapons, no weapon programs, nothing even close for years. It’s the lies of Iraq all over again.

A pathological presidential liar, or an idiot-in-chief. It is the nightmare scenario of political science fiction...

Keith Olbermann is my favourite pretend-older brother because he’s been calling Bush on his shit and taking him out behind the woodshed for years now. His comments on this latest issue are hellacious even by his own excoriating standards. I have never heard anyone speak about a world leader in these terms in my life! You can watch the show or read the transcript. It is a scorcher!

Hulk Smash!!! Oh wait, car not paid for, insurance go up? Hulk put down, please excuse Hulk...

Like all great swear words the age-old term asshole has more than one grammatical usage. Using asshole as an adjective is a household favourite and speaking from experience I can tell you it will alter the dynamic of any encounter. The actual meaning of the word in this context is something that has never been demanded of me. You call someone an asshole and you are not likely to be questioned on whether your choice of wordage is apt, rather you’re going to take shit for having the temerity to point out the obvious. This is telling. Random House explains that an asshole in the adjective sense is a person who is stupid, mean, and contemptible. Perfect! I mean it just fits, doesn’t it? As soon as I looked it up it felt like I was slipping into my favourite pair of underwear and I didn’t even need to adjust my balls because they dropped into completely snug positioning on their own. It’s also the reason why you never get called on the veracity of vilifying someone as an asshole, it always fits snugly too. We’ve all been stupid, mean, and contemptible in our lives and chances are you’ve just come back from a meeting with some asshole or are reading this before you engage in yet another merry, assholic foray.

Our capacity to become assholes stems from the fact that we can become thoughtless and inconsiderate, usually when we are tired and cranky. I would argue that many of our flaws stem from our energy levels and therefore the inherit limits of our biology. Of course I’m talking about normal, thoughtful, considerate people who slide into assholism after a bad day or series of unfortunate events. There are those among us who are both stupid and mean by disposition but you can identify and thus avoid them based on their proficiency with a banjo. The third kind of asshole is the conscious one and I’ll admit to having worn this ass-hat on occasion. Sometimes people require that special kind of motivation that is fuelled by shame and sometimes people need to be confronted with their fear of suddenly finding themselves in a volatile situation. Being an asshole in public creates a ripple effect; it re-aligns those caught in the ass-water wake. One time long ago at a party a buddy of mine fell for this blonde but didn’t know how to approach her. I stepped up and started acting like an asshole. She became offended of course but within ten minutes she and my friend were chatting about the incident and they wound up dating all summer. See? I use my powers for good when they're not already sold to highest bidder!

This George W. Bush, I’ve had my eye on him and I’m sorry to report that this guy is a total fucking asshole. What he did this time was basically warn the world at large that if we want to avoid World War III then we should prevent Iran from obtaining the knowledge to make nuclear weapons.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/17/washington/17cnd-prexy.html?_r=3&hp=&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1192680918-ICentOgbRzijzoDGGZGR4A&oref=slogin

What’s left to ponder is how he came to this assholic state? Is he tired and cranky and prone to slips in the autumn of his second term because of how unpopular he’s become? I don’t think so. When you stand before the press to take questions you need to bring out your A Game, you make sure you’re rested and focused because any gaffs are going to make front page news (case in point.) Did George Herbert Walker Bush and Barbara sire a little asshole? Again I don’t think so. Dubya makes friends easily and has a history of disarming his critics. I don’t think you can become the President of the United States as a full-blown asshole, that’s the kind of guy Canadians tend to elect. In America a sunny and charismatic attitude is not just necessary but it’s really all you need. That leaves my third option; this guy chooses to be an asshole. Now incidentally the term dickhead is described as a person who is foolish, inept, and again contemptible. That’s Bush II to a fucking tee! He’s a bone-deep dickhead who chooses to be an asshole when he thinks it suits him. That’s were it gets funny, because he’s stupid he often miscalculates so he winds up being an asshole for no good reason.

I’m going to bang out some quick facts and then we’ll get back to this asshole. First is that Iran has no nuclear weapons, not one. Second is the I.A.E.A., who monitors Iran’s nuclear operations on behalf of the U.N., have found no evidence of a weapons program. Third is that as a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, Iran is legally entitled to engage in civilian nuclear power programs. Fourth is that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinajad, for all his assholic and bellicose behaviour, has no control over Iran’s military and does not possess the authority to call in a military strike, nuclear or otherwise. His is a civilian position.

http://www.salon.com/opinion/conason/2007/10/19/bush_iran/

Every sane person out there is calling for dialogue, for talks and for diplomacy. If you’re going to engage North Korea and if you’re going to call Pakistan an ally then there is no reason why Iran - warts and all - cannot receive overtures of statesmanship. Oh but wait, there is one reason; the States is being lead by an asshole. The facts mean nothing to this man and he is once again invoking the spectre of weapons that don’t exist and pointing to a powerless boogieman to justify a future military campaign.

You can bandy about that World War III wise-crack any way you like but in the end it still comes out as a political piece of shit. Bush apologists are claiming that George is being merely prophetic; that Israel won’t allow Iran to go nuclear. Let us remember that Israel’s military capabilities, both nuclear and conventional, owe their life to the U.S. Do you not think that if you help a country develop weapons then you are obligated to use your leverage to ensure they are only used as a deterrent, for defensive purposes only? We see that even ethically challenged governments like China pull back on the reigns of their subordinate North Korea when things get a little too heated. If Israel is indeed going to bomb Iran then what Bush is actually saying is that they are willing to let their dog off the leash and they won’t be held responsible. Only a true asshole would do that, an asshole with a pit bull, and honestly the pit bull is the Official Canine of the Asshole so I am batting a thousand with my allegories on this one.

Another talking point is that a nuclear Iran will destabilize the region and THAT is what will cause World War III… somehow. This is a conniving notion. Listen, if war breaks out in the Middle East over this issue then only Israel will be the one to start it. You think Turkey or Saudi Arabia thinks this is worth fighting over? If Iran retaliates against Israel then America is jumping right the fuck in. Once Iran (and more particularly its precious oil infrastructure) starts catching fire then Russia and China will quickly move into a protective posture around their energy ally. That is what would classify the campaign as World War III. If you run the country that is most likely to expand a regional conflict into World War III and in a press conference you warn people about the potential for the End of the Trilogy if things don’t go your way, then what the fuck else is that other than a veiled threat? And who makes veiled threats? That’s right, assholes and my dad. Hey! My dad is no asshole but its true his warnings did sound like veiled threats. He was right though, they didn’t like it once they made him angry. Nobody likes it when he gets angry.

It’s evident that President Bush is ideologically corrupt and intellectually bereft when he shoots off his mouth like this. What’s sad is that political experts are saying that nothing can really be done, that both America and the world have to wait out the term before there is a change in policy. What's worse is that Congress and the Senate cannot stop an order to bomb even if they wanted to. Until then we just have to hope that this asshole doesn’t start another war in the next year. To me that is a definition of insanity itself.

War Circus... Like Ringling Bros. but with more amputees...

Golden boy turned presidential sock puppet General David Petraeus is in the midst of his big week; the super-sweet sixteen of his military career, the part he was born to play baby! For six months Bush was able to hide behind this man's warrior-poet pedigree with the mantra "wait and see." All debate and thus decision-making regarding Iraq policy would be effectively suspended until September for that is when the success of The Surge would be made plain to all and sundry. This was going to be the masterstroke that would silence peace-loving douchebag pundits like myself once and for all...

Except that there has been no real change in Iraq... DAMN IT!!! I thought their baseless assurances would have stuck this time!

The coverage of this congressional non-event is exhaustive but what I've walked away with is that progress will occur slowly, there is no end in sight, and no predictions can be made as to when that situation will change. Oh yeah, and if America pulls out it quickly it will be a disaster! Can't have an honest discussion about the war without bringing up the point that muzzles all open discussion. Never mind the fact that this administration's track record on Iraq War predictions range from corny to nutty with a whole lot of bullshit in-between.

Also please note the 30,000 Surge troops 'might' be home in a year, just in time for when military experts claim that the U.S. cannot possibly maintain current troop levels any longer. What's the point of a democratic nation debating such weighty matters when reality is truly the authoritarian tyrant of us all! Just send your troops out and God will let you know when they're past the breaking point... by breaking them!

Both the Washington Post and the New York Times have done a fine job regurgitating the administration's well-polished party line today.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/11/washington/11policy.html?th&emc=th

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/10/AR2007091000806.html?wpisrc=newsletter

How does it come to this? How can total inactivity on any given policy (in this case the Iraq War) over months and years be endorsed and officiated like this? The answer may lie in the leaders and their inability or unwillingness to address mistakes and thus learn from them.

This is an interview for a man who just completed a Bush biography complete with Dubyah's assistance. For a guy who seems to part-time it as a presidential apologist he comes across with a fairly even-handed and rather complex description of the man; charismatic and intelligent, but insecure, doesn't like to be challenged, and isn't one to be bothered with inconvenient facts.

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2007/09/11/draper/

This one is even better, though it's a long one. Donald Rumsfeld did a lengthy, softball interview for GQ magazine up at the old dairy farm he calls his home away from home. His personality along with his titanic ability for self-denial is somewhat charming in a Josef Mengele fashion.

http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_5896