Friday, October 12, 2007

When I get that feeling... I want... Sexual Salami...

It’s been like ten days since I put up a post! Where does the time go? Well, since this is my blog why don’t I tell you! For six days I was off work in a kind of stay-at-home vacation except home is not a holiday; it’s an over-emotional child-tending boot-camp where you literally have to steal free time in the dark of night. I cooked a Thanksgiving turkey with stuffing and gravy for the very first time and I have to say that it was mother-fucking delicious. I get to say that see. So long as my mother or my aunt was making the turkey they would ask “how’s the turkey” and I would have to say “oh my but it is very, very tasty” even if it was dry like an Al-Qaeda hand-job. Since I made the turkey this year I was able to sit at my own dinner table and proclaim “this buttery bird with its triple sausage stuffing is mother-fucking delicious, bitches” and the dinner guests could do nothing but look down at the table. When dinner was over I made a taco out of nothing but turkey skin and stuffing. When you cook the bird you control the bird and the possibilities are endless my friends!

I played a lot of Halo 3 at night with my time off and I must say I’m handling myself not too badly. For a while I was getting fragged on the steady but then I started to pick it up. My Skill Level kept rising as I came in third or second in matches and I even won a couple. I recorded one match in its entirety and the game allows you to view it from any angle with a flying camera. I am quick to force my friends to sit down and review the epic battle complete with freeze frame and detailed explanations of everything that’s happening… Sometimes looking back on my life I wonder how I have any friends at all?

We finished watching the first season of Heroes and it really stands nicely on its own as a complete story. So far the latest three episodes of the second season are not on par. It’s moving slowly, they’re concentrating on love stories, and they have even introduced people with duplicate powers, which I think is a bit cheap. This may have something to do with one of the writers leaving only to be replaced by some douche who use to write for the O.C. On the other hand there is this Latina chick that runs around in a sweaty tank top and bleeds deadly black shit from her eyes. Even better she’s always remorseful and afraid, sobbing and mumbling religious nonsense. So nice that would be. No wonder I had this dream where I come home from work carrying this huge, spicy salami over my shoulder and the little lady pictured above was helpless and frantic, trapped with her head stuck in the sewer grate found in my living room. The rest of the fantasy kind of writes itself.

Anyway before this blog gets flagged and my chances with the lovely Dania Ramirez get completely shot to hell let’s look at the news…

Normally I would applaud anyone taking unreasonable and pointless pot-shots at the Turkish if only for my amusement but I cannot figure out what congress hopes to gain by condemning the genocide of Armenians way back in 1915. Is there not a perfectly awesome and far more relevant genocide going on in Darfur right now? The digitally perfect pictures of hacked up African bodies are far more interesting then any surviving sepia-toned tragedy shots the Armenian nonagenarians can cough up. The sperm that would become House Speaker Nancy Pelosi still resided in a hairless ball sac back then so why should she bother weighing in on it now?

Juan Cole from the Global Americana Institute knows more about this issue than anybody and even he doesn’t have all the answers. Still this is a great read too. Thanks to Nima at Report on Positivity for passing it on.

Blackwater is still in the news. All these crazy stories are coming out adding fuel to the fire. Apparently when their SUV had a fender bender with an Army Humvee the mercenaries pulled their gun and held up the soldiers! If I was an officer I would have lit them up right then and there. Nobody should punk the army. The Iraqi Government wants them completely out of country in six months. Yeah, good luck with that. They’ll be gone just like you suspended their license… Pussies.

Reconciliation amongst Iraq’s various factions is off the table. Now they just want to focus on securing voter confidence and ensconcing themselves in their positions. The Iraqi power structure, laughable as it is, is all set to play the waiting game now. They’re digging in until the U.S. finally leaves and then they’re going to wipe out their rivals.

The poor performance of the Green Zone is being reflected in the streets. Now that most of Iraq is pretty well segregated the militias who once made a living off the corpses of their enemies are running low on cash. They seem to have started turning on their own kind for pocket change and practice. Typical.

If you want to read about more Bush rats abandoning the sinking ship then here you go. I love that these people ‘never look back’ and are ‘always looking forward.’ I would love to grab them by the neck and force them to look back. They would involuntarily close their eyes but I would threaten them to look at what they’ve done or I would cut their eyelids off, just as my new hero Dexter taught me to. Then they would scream and I would sniff up their pungent, nourishing despair.

Finally thanks to Dave for sending me this. These Chinese, so funny. Why do they taunt the River Dragon with their succulent four year olds? Don't they know this kind of mockery will bring about flood and inauspicious harvest?

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