Friday, October 19, 2007

Hulk Smash!!! Oh wait, car not paid for, insurance go up? Hulk put down, please excuse Hulk...

Like all great swear words the age-old term asshole has more than one grammatical usage. Using asshole as an adjective is a household favourite and speaking from experience I can tell you it will alter the dynamic of any encounter. The actual meaning of the word in this context is something that has never been demanded of me. You call someone an asshole and you are not likely to be questioned on whether your choice of wordage is apt, rather you’re going to take shit for having the temerity to point out the obvious. This is telling. Random House explains that an asshole in the adjective sense is a person who is stupid, mean, and contemptible. Perfect! I mean it just fits, doesn’t it? As soon as I looked it up it felt like I was slipping into my favourite pair of underwear and I didn’t even need to adjust my balls because they dropped into completely snug positioning on their own. It’s also the reason why you never get called on the veracity of vilifying someone as an asshole, it always fits snugly too. We’ve all been stupid, mean, and contemptible in our lives and chances are you’ve just come back from a meeting with some asshole or are reading this before you engage in yet another merry, assholic foray.

Our capacity to become assholes stems from the fact that we can become thoughtless and inconsiderate, usually when we are tired and cranky. I would argue that many of our flaws stem from our energy levels and therefore the inherit limits of our biology. Of course I’m talking about normal, thoughtful, considerate people who slide into assholism after a bad day or series of unfortunate events. There are those among us who are both stupid and mean by disposition but you can identify and thus avoid them based on their proficiency with a banjo. The third kind of asshole is the conscious one and I’ll admit to having worn this ass-hat on occasion. Sometimes people require that special kind of motivation that is fuelled by shame and sometimes people need to be confronted with their fear of suddenly finding themselves in a volatile situation. Being an asshole in public creates a ripple effect; it re-aligns those caught in the ass-water wake. One time long ago at a party a buddy of mine fell for this blonde but didn’t know how to approach her. I stepped up and started acting like an asshole. She became offended of course but within ten minutes she and my friend were chatting about the incident and they wound up dating all summer. See? I use my powers for good when they're not already sold to highest bidder!

This George W. Bush, I’ve had my eye on him and I’m sorry to report that this guy is a total fucking asshole. What he did this time was basically warn the world at large that if we want to avoid World War III then we should prevent Iran from obtaining the knowledge to make nuclear weapons.

What’s left to ponder is how he came to this assholic state? Is he tired and cranky and prone to slips in the autumn of his second term because of how unpopular he’s become? I don’t think so. When you stand before the press to take questions you need to bring out your A Game, you make sure you’re rested and focused because any gaffs are going to make front page news (case in point.) Did George Herbert Walker Bush and Barbara sire a little asshole? Again I don’t think so. Dubya makes friends easily and has a history of disarming his critics. I don’t think you can become the President of the United States as a full-blown asshole, that’s the kind of guy Canadians tend to elect. In America a sunny and charismatic attitude is not just necessary but it’s really all you need. That leaves my third option; this guy chooses to be an asshole. Now incidentally the term dickhead is described as a person who is foolish, inept, and again contemptible. That’s Bush II to a fucking tee! He’s a bone-deep dickhead who chooses to be an asshole when he thinks it suits him. That’s were it gets funny, because he’s stupid he often miscalculates so he winds up being an asshole for no good reason.

I’m going to bang out some quick facts and then we’ll get back to this asshole. First is that Iran has no nuclear weapons, not one. Second is the I.A.E.A., who monitors Iran’s nuclear operations on behalf of the U.N., have found no evidence of a weapons program. Third is that as a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, Iran is legally entitled to engage in civilian nuclear power programs. Fourth is that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinajad, for all his assholic and bellicose behaviour, has no control over Iran’s military and does not possess the authority to call in a military strike, nuclear or otherwise. His is a civilian position.

Every sane person out there is calling for dialogue, for talks and for diplomacy. If you’re going to engage North Korea and if you’re going to call Pakistan an ally then there is no reason why Iran - warts and all - cannot receive overtures of statesmanship. Oh but wait, there is one reason; the States is being lead by an asshole. The facts mean nothing to this man and he is once again invoking the spectre of weapons that don’t exist and pointing to a powerless boogieman to justify a future military campaign.

You can bandy about that World War III wise-crack any way you like but in the end it still comes out as a political piece of shit. Bush apologists are claiming that George is being merely prophetic; that Israel won’t allow Iran to go nuclear. Let us remember that Israel’s military capabilities, both nuclear and conventional, owe their life to the U.S. Do you not think that if you help a country develop weapons then you are obligated to use your leverage to ensure they are only used as a deterrent, for defensive purposes only? We see that even ethically challenged governments like China pull back on the reigns of their subordinate North Korea when things get a little too heated. If Israel is indeed going to bomb Iran then what Bush is actually saying is that they are willing to let their dog off the leash and they won’t be held responsible. Only a true asshole would do that, an asshole with a pit bull, and honestly the pit bull is the Official Canine of the Asshole so I am batting a thousand with my allegories on this one.

Another talking point is that a nuclear Iran will destabilize the region and THAT is what will cause World War III… somehow. This is a conniving notion. Listen, if war breaks out in the Middle East over this issue then only Israel will be the one to start it. You think Turkey or Saudi Arabia thinks this is worth fighting over? If Iran retaliates against Israel then America is jumping right the fuck in. Once Iran (and more particularly its precious oil infrastructure) starts catching fire then Russia and China will quickly move into a protective posture around their energy ally. That is what would classify the campaign as World War III. If you run the country that is most likely to expand a regional conflict into World War III and in a press conference you warn people about the potential for the End of the Trilogy if things don’t go your way, then what the fuck else is that other than a veiled threat? And who makes veiled threats? That’s right, assholes and my dad. Hey! My dad is no asshole but its true his warnings did sound like veiled threats. He was right though, they didn’t like it once they made him angry. Nobody likes it when he gets angry.

It’s evident that President Bush is ideologically corrupt and intellectually bereft when he shoots off his mouth like this. What’s sad is that political experts are saying that nothing can really be done, that both America and the world have to wait out the term before there is a change in policy. What's worse is that Congress and the Senate cannot stop an order to bomb even if they wanted to. Until then we just have to hope that this asshole doesn’t start another war in the next year. To me that is a definition of insanity itself.

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