Friday, November 2, 2007

This post has no title because there is no definitive theme... You shouldn't bother looking at this part anymore... Seriously, cut it out...

This picture comes from Ubisoft’s upcoming big-budget game. In it you play the pictured Altair. He’s a medieval assassin whose skills involve killing people and disappearing into crowds. Looking at him you can tell that he is not a person to be trifled with and therein lies a problem I have with videogame storytelling.

Imagine you're a guard and there are clues that a deadly assassin is afoot! Your crossbow is loaded but who is there to fire at? Who in the sea of peasantry could be the dreaded assassin? Worry not friend because sussing out the killer has become quite easy in the video game world. See that guy over there who looks really, really cool? Shoot him. Don't ask questions; just put one in his back. There is no way a normal, everyday, unthreatening person winds up looking that cool. Check the peasants around him, not nearly as cool looking, are they? No, in fact they look rather lame when put up next to this guy so really there should be no doubt. Kill the really fucking cool guy because that will be your assassin each and every time. If I was an evil tyrant in a video game I would simply execute anyone wearing metal-as-fuck armbands and crazy belts, and in doing so I would live to be a ripe old age.

Consider Mungo; he who herds sheep in the video game world. I have no picture of Mungo to show you because he is undeserving but worry not, your imagination will suffice. You can tell worthless Mungo is harmless because his serf’s rags are lame and he wears boots made out of burlap. His belt is but a piece of knotted twine and there are no daggers tucked within. If he was designed by a Japanese person he might be wearing a pot on his head and be prone to breaking out in dance. Hiding behind Mungo, however, is this impressive looking fucker who's sporting some insane leatherwork and looks as if he’s never danced or known happiness in his life. How in the video game world does a guy come to own such finery? Really there is only one answer...

He looks that bad-assed because he can kill a lot of people easily. The toughness of a person is in direct proportion to the crazy gear they sport. See the detailed embellishments on his bracers? Translated that means he can kill like ten guys in a row, so shoot him.

Shoot him in the back.

If only real life bad guys were so easy to spot.

A number of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos have been leaked. Chances are his former employees stopped being afraid of him and are cleaning out his desk if only to show the world what kind of insane fucking goober they had to work under. It seems this guy was completely consumed with image and how to manipulate it. He was a pre-internet dinosaur who vainly thought that he could still control the message despite the avalanche of facts at our disposal. The delusion of this man stems from the fact that he thought the States could be run as it was thirty years ago. The real shame is that he was allowed to do so.

Can you even say weapon of mass destruction using clicks and whistles?

Civilized nations around the world are moving to ban the use of cluster bombs. What a bunch of pussies! Most of the countries who want them banned have to import fire so of course they’re against them. I think that if you can’t invent it then you shouldn’t even have a say. Settle down there Swasiland, adults are talking, it’s big boy time. Tell me what’s so wrong with a weapon that releases a thousand other indiscriminate weapons that lay dormant until a child finds them? These things are better than land mines because you don’t have to bury them; they do all the maiming and require none of the shovel work. Israel dropped cluster bombs on the Lebanese last year so if you don’t like these horrible weapons then an argument can be made that you are in fact an Anti-Semite. You’re not an Anti-Semite are you? America loves their cluster bombs and their Jews so thankfully I don’t see these rocket propelled amputee factories going anywhere soon.

It will be just like the bible only with no god.

You know what Iraq needs, a flood! Did I say need? What I meant is gonna get. The Mosul dam is shoddy and the money that was going to go into fixing it is gone. If it breaks the city of Mosul will fall into the jurisdiction of Aquaman and parts of Baghdad will be under a dozen feet of water. Can you image some guy with flippers and a suicide vest paddling towards you? That would be pretty interesting.

Freedom and Democracy - It's super-effective!

Apparently a few hundred of them there Taliban were spotted poking around the Afghan city of Kandahar. That’s bad because Kandahar is where all the Canadian hotel journalists hang out and wait for the military to give them news on the war. When the Taliban move into a village the residents are forced to flee, not because they fear the radical Islamists but because they want to avoid getting caught in the customary NATO bombardment. Nothing like fighting the good fight eh? In other news from Kandahar the war is going super well and we are all totally awesome.

This is a totally bragible statistic...

This is Parade’s annual 20 Worst Dictators in the World list. There are some truly diabolical assholes on this list but let me break it down to you in the way you really want; 6 black dudes, 7 brown dudes, 4 yellow dudes, and 3 white dudes though one of them is named Islam so there is no fucking way he’s on my team. Not one woman tyrant was able to break the barb-wire ceiling. It’s like I always say, vagina and human suffering just don’t mix.

I'm Robert Frikken Goulet! I AM LAS VEGAS!

Robert Goulet died this week, he was 73. Mr. Goulet had a French-Canadian dad and spent some time growing up in Canada so we can lay claim to him in that desperate way that Canadians lay claim to American celebrities. His later commercial work was pretty hilarious as was Will Ferrell’s belligerent rapping impression. When he was young he looked totally different then when he was old too. I hate that about old people.

Consumption and Bowel Movements: The building blocks of the universe.

I’ve gone from vaginas to the elderly so my next logical stop will be Black Holes! These aren’t just any Black Holes either but the super-serious ones that eat suns and can fart out a planet! Check the gallery to see some beautiful pictures of space. If looking at things that are not beautiful is more your thing then the article also provides a picture of an astronomer.


Anonymous said...

Oh, oh, I have a question: who's gonna shoot a dude who looks all ' I'm gonna kill a dude' like that in the back? The town guard? Any self-respecting town guard knows that his life is worth exactly 10xp. Why would he bother shooting at a dude who looks like he could not only hear a dude draw his bow string back from 100 yards but could catch the arrow out of the air and shoot it through a dude's soul, hmm?

No, I think that Bungo, the town guard will let the higher xp dudes handle this one, probably won't even put his mug of mead down while he watches the mayhem through the tavern window. If I was a town guard, you could'nt pay me enough to mess with a dude who looks like that.

Now how about those higher xp dudes? Probably got some land, a sweet honey tending the homefires, a few merchants paying personal taxes. They've probably tussled with enough tough dudes to know this dude is waaaaay out of their league. If they're lucky, he's after one of their superiors which means instant promotion! They'd probably drop a clue or two during one of those walk up convos that are oh so convenient in the video rpg world.

Besides, dude looks like he's made a few hide checks in his day. If some chump guard or fatcat boss spot checks him, it's because he wants them to 'cause he's greedy for some xp. Those bracers? Probably magically enhance an already stupid AC. That girdle? Probably makes him magically able to throw buildings at a dude. Those daggars? He just needs to think "dude be dead" and a dude be dead (I'm pretty sure 'dude be dead' makes those particular magical daggars). And I'm pretty sure that's a +6 mithril hoodie.

Bottom line, there's some perks to being a stupid tough dude. The only dudes who'll fight you are the ones you wanna kill and don't wanna be dead (If they hear or see you coming). In REAL video game life the only dude not running like level-up fodder is another stupid tough dude, and THAT, my friend, is the Assassin's Creed (TM) (Ubisoft; make my cheque out to K-e-v-i-n S-u-t-t-o-n)

Dyno said...

You forget that Bungo's target is in fact the player character, a most unusual creature. In order for the game to be made challenging the metal-as-fuck dude is rather vulnerable. Projectiles to the back have the capacity to double the duration of the game. His very fragility adds replayability.

To use a Magic analogy (just for you) playing video games is an exercise in manipulating a 6/1 creature through various pitfalls, all of which you will fall into.

So shooting this fucker in the back is as good as Bungo's odds will get. Fire away!

(By the by this game is getting fairly panned by the critics. It's not bad - a deeply flawed 7 if you remember my marking scheme - but it's not the gushing, gooing hype-cock promised to us by this shifty Montreal company.

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